Guns! Guns! Guns for everyone! Guns for the whole family! How about a Taurus .40 for you, sir? A song at $449.99. And what about a sweet piece for your sweet piece? She'll be the envy of her friends at Junior League when she's packing a hot-pink Taurus .380, hers for only $349.99. We have the ammo too, but maybe first you might want to get her one of these nice engagement rings like she's been asking for. Treating yourself? We have a wide variety of AR-15 semiautomatic rifles — starting at $499 to keep in your weekend bag and up to $1,299 for this honey of a conversation starter. Guns aren't your speed, you say? Not even antique pistols? What about swords? No? What about this fotocopiadora here for $375? It used to belong to a little old lady right here in Allapattah who used it only a few times to copy her ass cheeks. Fine, then how about a rocking horse for five bucks? A Ms. Pac-Man arcade game in near-mint condition for $999? You'll stay up all night playing it, but that's no problem because we have several dozen coffeemakers for only $9.99 each. What's that, sir? Good eye. You've spotted the small sign behind my bulletproof glass here. Yes, "We Have XXX Movies." Things are bad for masturbators in this economy, but their loss is your gain. Name your price, but don't go so low that you turn something beautiful into something cheap. ATVs for $925 apiece? Guitar Hero III for ten smackers? Most of our adding machines are $14 to $16, but you can have this one for six bucks — as is, of course.

The Stars and Stripes flaps triumphantly near the entry to a rectangular fortified warehouse near midtown Miami. A sign over the metal front door announces, "Guns for the Good Guys." A year since opening his 4,000-square-foot armory, gun shop owner Dave Johnson has quickly become the go-to guy for folks preparing for the improbable zombie apocalypse or the very real threat of a ghoulish hurricane. Three long glass cabinets are stocked with a stunning inventory of pistols, from Berettas to Glocks to Smith & Wessons to Walthers. Prices for new guns range from $200 to $1,200. "We have more [assault] rifles than any gun store in Florida," Johnson boasts. "We also do a lot of consignment sales, as well as buying and trading used guns." It'll take more than just bullets to survive the walking dead, so Johnson offers end-of-days survivalists all the equipment they can use to stay alive when the electricity goes out. For instance, you can buy a hearty supply of freeze-dried gourmet food with a shelf life of 25 years. Dishes include savory stroganoff, pasta alfredo, cheesy lasagna, and teriyaki chicken and rice. In the event you need to pull off a quick escape from a horde of brain eaters, Johnson's Firearms sells $325 bug-out bags, which contain all the things you would need to survive on the run for 72 hours, such as a small ax to chop tree limbs for a fire, a first-aid kit, a hunting knife, a map of the continental United States, and trail mix. Of course, it helps to know how to defend yourself against different types of threats should all hell break loose. Johnson offers a specialized $90 course led by NRA-certified instructors who teach you how to shoot a gun, properly handle a shotgun or rifle, and defend your family in a home invasion scenario. Johnson also takes great care in helping first-time gun buyers choose the right firearm. "We take the time to sit with our customers to find out why they want a gun, whether it is for home defense or for carrying it concealed," he says. "A new gun user doesn't understand the difference between a concealed .380 and a large-frame .45 for competitive shooting."

Vintage Liquors has a multiple personality complex. Is it the hipster liquor store with staff that can tell you the difference between the $20 bourbon and the $200 Pappy Van Winkle? Is it the cute wine bar that you might find in some back alley in Paris? Or is it an old-school no-nonsense place to grab a bottle of tequila for the condo party you're going to? Frankly, it's yes to all of those questions. And why shouldn't it be? This little store is filled with surprises. Like a kid in an adult-candy store, you'll want to try every flavor of the potent potables sold here. But what to buy? Monthly tastings and events such as Vodkapalooza and a tequila run allow you to try before dropping cash on a new kind of booze. The wine bar, complete with Enomatic pouring robots, turns a trip to the liquor store into an evening out.

Sunrise in Miami Beach. The clubbers are back in their hotel rooms, and the international papers have just been delivered to News Café. Two tables away: She's not wearing any makeup but for a gentle dab of red lipstick, most of which has been kissed onto her cigarette. Her eyes are inscrutable behind sunglasses. Then she opens her $5.20 copy of Le Figaro and you know to say something mildly xenophobic, perhaps about Arabs, and within moments you're making love on the sand across Ocean Drive. Or she's reading La Gazzetta Dello Sport ($5) and you lower your demitasse long enough to say that Inter has been merda since Mourinho left, and then it's back-of-the-net back in her suite. Or she's reading the Daily Racing Form ($7) and, even though the sun isn't fully up yet, you buy her something cheap and strong and next thing you know, you're seeing just how sturdy the locks are in the café's tastefully decorated bathrooms. News Café has pared back its selection in recent years but still offers six international papers Monday through Saturday, plus the Guardian Weekly ($4.50), dozens of foreign magazines, and all the New York newspapers (except Newsday, which beautiful strangers do not read). It's one of the last places in Miami Beach to get a newsy dose of the real world 24 hours a day.

Want to find the real Miami? Stop in Vilar Cigar Shop on a Friday or Saturday night, buy yourself a Maximus Double Corona — you might spend $17.50 on the stogy, but honestly, the extravagance is kind of the point — and walk upstairs to the lounge with supple leather armchairs. The place will be crowded with successful men of all ilk — doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs — shrouded in fragrant tobacco clouds and animatedly arguing in English, Spanish, and glorious Spanglish. The owner is Henry Vilar, who is also a baseball agent specializing in representing players from Cuba and the rest of Latin America. Shoot the shit, drink beer or rum, slam dominoes, and puff away. This isn't the kind of scene you can find in Minnesota.

Hey there, fella. It's time to let that special lady in your life know that your love is meant to be. But where to buy the rock to show how much she rocks? For more than a quarter-century, Elena and Arie Paz, owners of Richard's Gems & Jewelry, have helped thousands of grooms design eye-popping, ice-encrusted I-will-never-leave-or-hurt-you bands for their brides-to-be. Customers can watch the on-site master jeweler mold the ring and set the stones in it from start to finish. Or you can pick a big diamond rock that can be put on more than a hundred styles of mounting rings decorated with smaller round-cut diamonds that range in price from $875 to $4,500. If you're the kind of guy who wants to show your fine lady she is worthy of wearing a crown, splurge on the $6,700 blue-sapphire and diamond ring — inspired by the one Prince William gave to Kate Middleton. For the stoic man celebrating 60 years of marital bliss, Richard's stocks a blinding array of diamond bracelets, earrings, and necklaces that will remind her why she's the inspiration in your life. We recommend the 3.46-carat diamond pendant shaped like shooting stars set in white gold (only $4,489!) or the absolutely exquisite 2.80-carat pavé-diamond circle pendant that goes for $5,512. Located in the Seybold Building in downtown Miami, Richard's is open from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Saturday.

When we go to the barbershop, we don't want our head shampooed. We don't need women in top hats and corsets attending to us. And we don't want to pay more than $20. Sadly, that disqualifies most of the cabello chop shops in town. Thankfully, there is now the Amici Barber Shop in Miami Beach. In exchange for a single, dirty green portrait of Andrew Jackson, a barber here will cut your hair quickly but carefully. Seniors and kids get their strands snipped for $15. Amici's barbers will even rub your scalp vigorously with a brush for no extra charge. We know because we tried it. At first the sensation was a bit strange, but after a while, we fell into a Zen-like trance from which we have yet to emerge. We may not have gone to work or answered the phone in a week, but we are looking — and feeling — pretty damn good. Amici's interior, meanwhile, is a pleasant but efficient white-tiled space with the obligatory TV set or two. An English-speaker is usually on hand in case you need to translate some detailed instructions, such as whether you want your neckline tailored, boxed, or cut into a swallow tail. Best of all, Amici is open seven days a week, so there are no more excuses for showing up at work Monday looking like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

If you survive all 9,000 kettlebell swings, hand-stand pushups, dead lifts, pullups, wall balls, box jumps, and overhead squats, CrossFit 305 promises to make you so tough you could tie an alligator in a knot with your glutes. If you've never tried CrossFit because you're afraid of red-faced and spitting militant trainers, stop watching trashy TV — this ain't Scared Straight. The trainers here have better things to do than to bark orders — namely to explain the WOD (CrossFit-speak for "workout of the day"), to encourage members, and to correct improper form. The thinking behind CrossFit is that if you never do the same workout twice, you'll constantly confuse your muscles and you'll end up in the all-around best shape and at the highest functional fitness level of your life. Peter, Sean, and Alex are among the certified CrossFit trainers who will assist you at any one of the seven classes offered weekdays at the gym. A more limited schedule is available on the weekends, including a yoga class on Sunday. When you notice that all of those air squats have manifested themselves as a solid, high-riding, and sexy culo, you'll understand why CrossFit is Miami's gym du jour.

Walking into Unknwn is like strolling into the pages of some mind-blowingly hip fashion magazine like Nylon Guys. With a mix of establishment-approved, up-and-coming fashion labels (Band of Outsiders, 3.1 Phillip Lim, A.P.C.) and street-wear brands (Warriors of Radness, Crooks & Castles, Stussy), the Aventura Mall outpost is a must-visit for any guy. This is designer wear at designer prices, but they aren't into the stratosphere (check out some sleek A.P.C. jeans for $158 or a 10 Deep varsity jacket for $154). There's stuff for the ladies too, but Unknwn stocks the kind of menswear that until now has been suspiciously hard to find in Miami. And oh yeah, it's owned by some guy you might have heard of: LeBron James. He's six-foot-eight, plays basketball, is kind of a big deal. The Heat forward teamed with a group of friends, including longtime pal Frankie Walker, to open the boutique, but the inventory is the real star here. Even if the owners were unknown, we'd still stop here to stock up our closet.

Sure, Bal Harbour Plastic Surgery owner Dr. Michael A. Salzhauer (AKA Dr. Schnoz) is probably most notorious for his supercontroversial, allegedly anti-Semitic "Jewcan Sam" music video contest, a 2012 rhinoplasty promo prank that seriously pissed off the uptight, humorless dorks at the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. But he's been fixing effed-up faces, problematic proboscises, droopy chins, saggy boobs, flabby bodies, and flat asses for the past decade and a half. So ultimately, the Schnoz is a true pro. With a medical degree from the Washington University School of Medicine (not to mention a ton of practical experience at Miami Beach's Mount Sinai, the University of Miami Medical Center, and the Cleveland Clinic Foundation), this self-anointed "Nose King of Miami" is a board-certified plastic surgeon who also happens to be an avid Twitter user (@DoctorMichael), iSurgeon app developer, author of a children's book about "Mommy makeovers," outspoken advocate for enhancing animal self-esteem by means of "Pet Plasty," and total marketing genius. Every year, Doc Salzhauer rescues 600-plus patients from Mother Nature's mistakes with his near-magical plastic surgery skills, performing all kinds of complex cosmetic procedures, including nose jobs, breast augmentations, liposuction, tummy tucks, face-lifts, Botox, and fillers. Whether you're a socialite, celeb, or mommy looking for a complete body makeover, call 305-NEW-NOSE. 'Cause nobody's perfect.