| Lists |

50 Things You See at Ultra Music Festival

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

If you've got ears, Ultra Music Festival is a pretty fun time.

But if you've also got eyes, it's amaaaaaaaaazing.

Basically, this sprawling EDM fest is a phantasmagoric fun parade starring famous people, nearly naked ladies, the beefiest of beefcakes, the kandiest of ravers, and the most ridiculously costumed of party people -- all spazzing out to uhntz-uhntz amid an LED landscape that's exploding with fireworks, lasers, pyro, kryo, and confetti.

Look, gawk, or leer... Here are 50 things you see at Ultra Music Festival.

See also: Ultra 2014 Superlatives: Grumpiest Cat, Most Revealing Raver, and More!

49. A Guy With a Vagina in the Middle of His Chest

Accompanied by a female friend with a deep interest in this curious phenomenon.

48. A Riff Raff Head on Lady Legs

Anyone else have recurring sweaty nightmares about exactly this thing?

47. Bad Girls With Marijuana Boobs and "Fuck Me" Eyes

Congrats on some impressive glitter and rhinestone work. Ditto on the handpainted sunglasses.

46. A Young Lady "Expressing Herself" Atop Her Boyfriends' Shoulders

But, uh, which way is he facing?

See also: Ultra 2014's Ten Sleaziest T-Shirts

45. Ultra Hairdos

This kind of 'do takes dedication. Look at the Manic Panic-ed mini-mohawk. And the intricate razor work on that logo. We're too lazy to even get a regular haircut? Props, raver kid.

44. Ultra Forehead Tattoos

At least it's temporary. But when these things become permanent, ink-and-needle jobs, we just might begin to believe the doomsayers screaming at the UMF gates.

43. Ultra Boob Decals

Nice work, miss, adorning your chest area without resorting to nipple pasties.

42. Ultra Hand Signs

Bro ... Don't let any fans of The U see you doin' that shit while strolling through downtown Miami.

42. Ultra Kandi Masks

Looks good. But can you eat it?

See also: Ultra 2014's Top Ten Fashion Trends: Unicorns, Muscles, and More!

40. Molly

They finally found her. But what now?

39. ¡Luchador Ravero!

No, hermano ... We don't wanna wrestle.

38. Pills, Pills, Pills

But only on tank tops. Just say no.

37. The Long-Sought Five-Armed Kandi Monster

Oh, wait ... Is that just three bead-bedecked ravers mashed into a knot of flailing limbs? Fooled again.

36. Human Tubing, Raver Rafting

Where there is no water, ride the rave.

See also: Ultra 2014's 25 Best Bass Faces

35. Dangerous Undergarments

Don't trip and fall face-first into those things. You might scratch a cornea.

34. Personalized Undergarments

Yes, those are their real names. Checked their driver's licenses.

33. Electrical Tape Undergarments

Run outta rave bottoms? Just tape 'em on!

32. Children's Undergarments

Way to raid your little brother's panty drawer, bro.

31. Undergarments From the Future

In 2069, the platinum standard for bustier comfort will be freezing nipples.

See also: Ultra 2014's Top 20 Raver Looks

30. Skrillex Levitating!

Dubstep is magic.

29. OMG, a Fucking Tiger!

OK. Yeah. So maybe that's a dog.

28. Panicked Raver Chick

Relax ... It's a dog.

27. A Rainbow Come to Life

He was born of light and mist. And now he's descended to Earth to dance.

26. A Kangaroo Who's Traveled All the Way from Australia to Rave

How do you smuggle a full-grown marsupial aboard a transglobal commercial airliner? And keep it hidden for 18 hours?

See also: Ultra Ravers Answer: What's in Your Fanny Pack?

25. Poultry as Hats

That chicken looks superuncomfortable, bro.

24. Shells as Bras

Nature's solution for party-time breast support.

23. Stickers as Shirts

Because if your nipples aren't showing, then you aren't topless.

22. Flags as Blankies

Sweet dreams, you sleepy Danish raver.

21. Paper Bags as Masks

Because they breathe better than plastic bags.

See also: Ultra 2014's 20 Raddest Raver Chicks

20. Superhero Superfans

Comic-Con is that way, bros.

19. Six Guy Fawkeses, All Certified Aerobics Instructors

Gunpowder, good times, and dancercise!

18. The Royal Family

Buckingham Palace is that way, bros.

17. Steve Irwin Impersonators' Annual Memorial EDM Convention

R.I.P. Crocodile Hunter. A "Krikey!" in your honor.

16. Hair Metal Tribute Performers

The blowdryer's that way, bros.

See also: Ultra Ravers Talk About the Meaning of Life

15. Star-Spangled Speedos

The most patriotic way to stash your junk.

14. Star-Spangled Bikinis

Oh, say can you C cup ...

13. Star-Spangled Kandi

Fact: Both George Dubs and Tommie Jefferson wore one just like it. A grand American tradition.

12. Star-Spangled Capes

For when you're feeling like a human flagpole.

11. Star-Spangled Overalls

With nothing underneath. Except a star-spangled speedo.

See also: The Virgins and Veterans of Ultra Music Festival: A Video Interview

10. Hand Hearts

Raver charades ... The Asian cutie is flashing peace. The daisy girl represents love. The whole crowd is a symbol of unity. And the smiles are an expression of respect.

9. More Hand Hearts

Two hands, one heart, and a gnarly beard.

8. Even More Hand Hearts

Two hands, one heart, and a couple of nose rings.

7. Too Many Hand Hearts

OK, guys. Can we give it a rest, please?

6. Sarcastic Hand Hearts

Oh, touché.

See also: Ultra Ravers Talk About the Meaning of Life

5. Afrojack Enjoying an Epic Moment

This is how those Dutch DJs build all that upper-body strength.

4. Incredibly Tall Guy Enjoying an Epic Moment

Our mistake ... He's standing on something.

3. Hardwell Enjoying an Epic Moment

Huh? What? How? Oh ... No, bro. Not raining.

2. Yet another Guy Enjoying an Epic Moment

Oh, we should turn around? They're throwing peanuts from the stage?

1. The End

Seriously ... You can put your arms down now.

Crossfade's Top Blogs

-Top 12 Hardcore Ravers at Ultra Music Festival in Animated GIF!

-Ten Fashion Freakouts at Ultra Music Festival

-Ultra's 11 Best Nipple Pasties

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.