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EDM: How to Succeed in Five Easy Steps!

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So, you want to be an EDM superstar? It's easy! EDM is blowing up like a 17-year-old girl in a tutu. Act fast, and you can catch some of that glorious LED spotlight for yourself!

Not interested in long hours studying music theory, beat matching, or production equipment? Fuck it! You don't need that in today's dance music world. All you need is a few key elements in your personal brand package, some easily digestible tunes, a demographic of your choice ... Et voila!

Just follow these five easy steps, and you'll be well on your way to becoming the next Avicii, Skrillex, Steve Aoki, or anyone else you want! (Does not include A-Trak turntablist package.)

Be as Young as Possible

Everyone loves a prodigy, and youth is really selling right now. The kids want to hear music from their own kind. Whiz kids like Madeon, Zedd, and Porter Robinson go straight to the top. Already older than 21? Start moisturizing and lie about your age. You're not going to impress anyone with ten years of experience and a gut ... Trust us.

Have a Gimmick

Talent is overrated, but a sick-ass helmet will have you going places. No one is listening to your music anyway, they just want to see a show. Give the people a show! If you're not going to wear a sweet mask or costume, find something else. Walk out over the crowd in a bubble, throw food at them, find a way to DJ in a revolving cage. Or, If you're a woman, just put your tits out there and model. That's usually good enough.

Jump on Trains

So, you're a bass-driven producer? Make sure you stay on top of all the genres. You might have started out as a dupstep DJ, but if you don't have moombahton edits and trap remixes in your arsenal, you're out of here. And house DJs, make sure you're ready to blast them with progressive and trance. The important thing: As soon as a new fad gets hip, you attack that formula with everything you've got. It's the only way to stay relevant, and it's way easier than coming up with your own sound.

Cut Off Dead Weight

You're going to meet a lot of people on your journey to the top, but some of these people will only hold you back. Once you become "more famous" than someone, they're not your friend. Look, you're busy now being a superstar, you don't have to worry about paying your dues and thanking the little people. Porter Robinson doesn't. And neither should you!

Get a Leather Jacket

This may seem superficial, but it's the one thing all superstar DJs have in common. You might not actually be a DJ unless you have your sweet leather jacket. This will also allow the groupies to tell that you're in fact the superstar they've been dreaming of. But by no means should you ever love them hoes.

Now, mess up your hair, take a look in the mirror and kiss yourself. You've done it!

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