Dirty Dozen 2024: Miami's Most Cringeworthy Characters

People from outside the Sunshine State like to snicker about "Florida man" this and "Florida man" that — so much so that Florida Man has become shorthand for a branch of Homo sapiens whose brains are warped to such a degree that they do stuff that causes non-Floridians to point at us and laugh.

Which is all well and good for Miamians because — and for good reason — we generally consider ourselves to be a breed apart. (To the extent that we have been known to snicker, too.)

But this is humanity we're talking about, which means not even the super-evolved are immune to bouts of cringeworthy behavior that causes others to point, guffaw, and, sad to say, think less of us for inhabiting the same corner of the continent as them.

Which brings us to New Times' annual roundup of the faction we call the Dirty Dozen: a motley crew of ne'er-do-wells, miscreants, and wannabe Florida folks who cause people the world over to think less of us.

Without further ado, we are abashed to present the Dirty Dozen of 2024.

The Alexander Brothers

Until early December, they were prominent figures in the luxury real estate market, boasting high-profile clients, including Kim Kardashian, Steve Madden, and Tommy Hilfiger. Now they're accused of drugging, assaulting, and raping dozens of women amid their yearslong ascent to wealth and fame. Miami-reared real estate brokers Oren (age 37) and Tal (38) Alexander, along with Oren's twin brother, Alon, were arrested in Miami Beach earlier this month on federal sex trafficking charges alleging that they worked together since at least 2010 to "repeatedly and violently drug, sexually assault, and rape" dozens of victims in New York and Miami. Prosecutors claim the trio lured women with promises of luxury experiences and travel, only to rape or sexually assault them after drugging their drinks and giving them cocaine, mushrooms, and the date-rape drug GHB. A lawyer representing two of the victims says an additional 40 women, including a dozen from Miami, have come forward with sexual assault and rape allegations, some of which date back to the brothers' teenage years. Oren and Alon also face separate sexual battery charges in Florida in connection with incidents that allegedly took place in Miami Beach between 2016 and 2021. State prosecutors have argued that the two brothers are flight risks and should remain behind bars pending trial. Also ensnared in the bust: The brothers' friend Ohad Fisherman, a fellow real estate agent who is alleged to have played a role in a "gang rape" at Alon's home.

Danny Torres

Historians might look back on the crapfest that the Miami Dolphins 2024-25 season and cite multiple factors, with the front office and head coach Mike McDaniel taking a heaping helping of the blame. But at least a sliver of culpability will be reserved for Miami-Dade police officer, DJ, and Gunfighters Motorcycle Club member Danny Torres. Mere hours before the team's home opener against the Jacksonville Jaguars in September, Torres hauled star wide receiver Tyreek Hill out of his sports car and took him facedown to the pavement after he was allegedly clocked speeding outside Hard Rock Stadium. Body-cam footage from the 30-minute stop showed Torres turn aggressive after Hill rolled his window up during the stop. "When we tell you to do something, you do it!" Torres screamed at the wideout. "You understand? Not what you want but what we tell you. You are a little fucking confused.... Stop crying." The 27-year-veteran motorcycle cop could also be seen handcuffing Dolphins defensive lineman Calais Campbell, who'd stopped to see what the fuss was about. Hill, who went on to have a down year, later revealed that he's been playing despite a torn ligament in his wrist, a pre-existing injury he says was aggravated by Torres' takedown. Torres remains on desk duty — and the Curse of the Tequesta remains in effect — as an investigation inches along.

Jack Doherty

Miami has its share of obnoxious YouTube personalities and wannabes with their broccoli haircuts and flashy sports cars, but Jack Doherty takes the proverbial key lime pie. The 21-year-old internet personality crashed his $200,000 McLaren on Florida's Turnpike in Cutler Bay as he was texting while driving on a rainy October day. What's more, in true YouTube star fashion, his livestream captured the entire incident. A clip from his Kick stream showed Doherty looking down at this phone an instant before suddenly accelerating, losing control of his control of his light-blue, custom splatter-painted sports car, and hydroplaning into a guardrail. Instead of worrying about his bloodied cameraman riding shotgun, Doherty fretted about his livestream and the vehicle he'd just totaled. The Florida Highway Patrol later cited Doherty for driving while operating a handheld device — adding to an already impressive résumé of moving violations — but what surely hurt more was the reaming he received from the internet.

Alex Gonzalez & Sebastian Rivera

With a little over five minutes remaining in the third quarter of Super Bowl LVIII in Las Vegas, Patrick Mahomes was leading the Kansas City Chiefs offense down the field. Though the Chiefs would eventually eke out a 25-22 overtime victory over the San Francisco 49ers to take home their second straight Lombardi Trophy, Miami was about to enter the chat. Following a two-yard grab by Chiefs wideout Mecole Hardman to set up a field goal, the CBS announcing duo of Jim Nantz and Tony Romo adroitly pivoted to two streakers at the opposite end of the stadium, who were racing across the turf with security guards in hot pursuit. The interlopers, who were promptly tackled, handcuffed, and hauled off to jail, were later identified as Miami residents Alex Gonzalez, age 23, and Sebastian Rivera, 22. In a boastful YouTube video, Gonzalez — who claims to have amassed $50 million as a day trader — said he bought cleats at Dick's Sporting Goods and purchased two front-row seats for $42,000 for the stunt. "One of my goals has always been to streak the Super Bowl," he said. "And I don't want to be that guy that I'm rich and I'm 50 years old and then I'm like, 'Damn, I wish I would have done that when I was younger.' No, I did it now and I'll do it again."

Rosanna Lisa Stanley

A federal indictment unsealed in June alleges that over the past 15 years, North Miami Beach resident Rosanna Lisa Stanley, along with an accomplice, Gina Guy, duped "elderly and other vulnerable victims" into sending them more than $7 million as part of a long-running romance scam. Stanley allegedly made one man believe he was in an exclusive romantic relationship with her as he paid her living expenses and rent and showered her with gifts. Prosecutors say Stanley convinced the man to give her $220,000 for her nonexistent catering business. Instead, she is said to have used the money to pay off loans on a boat and a luxury car. But wait! There's more! The complaint alleges that Stanley defrauded at least $1 million out of another victim she met at her fake astrology business in New York. Through her "psychic services," Stanley told the victim their money was "tainted," and they must give it to her to protect it from bad influences. Stanley remains free on bail pending disposition of her case.

Karate-Chopping Car Mirror Dude

For better or for worse (let's face it, it's for worse), Miami is a city of cars. And drivers. And shitty traffic. All too often, those conditions lend themselves to road rage, and in this town, that can mean acts of violence that inflict serious bodily harm. Earlier this year, though, Miamians were treated to a road rage incident that culminated in hilarity, and the only casualty was a side-view mirror. Better yet, it was all caught on video! Captured in downtown Miami at the corner of Biscayne Boulevard and NE Ninth Street, the video shows a fellow clad in peg-leg trousers and a slim-fit dress shirt exiting his Corvette to confront a woman in an SUV — about what, we'll likely never know. But by "confront," we mean to convey that the man proceeds to deliver a perfectly placed karate chop to her driver's-side mirror, leaving it dangling by the thread of its electrical cable as he turns, strides back to his convertible, and departs while the woman attempts to take down his license plate number. So awestruck were we — he didn't even dislodge his designer shades! — that we consulted several local martial arts experts to critique Mr. Dapper Pants' technique. "I thought it was impressive how he launched like that. It was perfect execution and was totally giving Cobra Kai, Sensei Lawrence vibes," marveled one.

Diddy

After federal agents discovered large amounts of narcotics, lube, and a cool 1,000 bottles of baby oil at his Miami and Los Angeles properties, they arrested Sean Combs, better known as Diddy, on sex trafficking charges. The rapper is alleged to have used the supplies for drug-fueled orgies known as "Freak Offs," during which he is said to have forced victims to participate in sexual acts. Combs has been under increased scrutiny since 2023, when his ex-girlfriend, Cassie Ventura, sued him, alleging years of rape and physical abuse. While Combs denied wrongdoing, and the suit was settled in one day, surveillance video later surfaced showing him violently assaulting Ventura in a hotel hallway in 2016. And the allegations keep coming, with three men recently accusing Combs of rape and sexual assault in separate lawsuits. The men allege that Combs plied them with doctored drinks and then raped them while they were unconscious. Closer to home, Miami Beach officials rescinded the key to the city they'd presented to Diddy back in 2015. The music mogul has yet to return the item. Time to change those locks!

Brenda Fam

If school boards across Florida have become partisan battlegrounds under the watch of Gov. Ron DeSantis, then Brenda Fam is a loyal foot soldier in the fight. The lawyer and part-time flight attendant from Davie won election to the Broward County School Board in November 2022. While representing District 6 (which includes Weston, Sunrise, Plantation, and Davie, among other communities in southwest Broward), Fam has made headlines for her far-right antics. Only a month after securing her seat, she spoke at a "Protect the Children" rally in Fort Lauderdale to stoke age-old fears about efforts to "groom" children into homosexuality. In October 2023, she spoke at another rally hosted by groups accused of promoting anti-LGBTQ theories — despite the fact that she was on workers comp from her day job owing to a back injury. Most recently, Fam joined the chorus of weather conspiracy theorists in the wake of Hurricane Helene, sharing Facebook posts that incorrectly suggested that Federal Emergency Management Agency funds were being diverted to "illegal immigrants" and that Vice President Kamala Harris' husband, Doug Emhoff, had profited from the hurricane's devastation in North Carolina.

Ramón Jesurún Franco & Ramón Jamil Jesurún

A lot went down during the clusterfuck that was the Copa América Final at Hard Rock Stadium this past summer. Ticketless fans stormed the gates, causing chaos, injuries, and a delay to the start of the sold-out match between Colombia and Argentina. Some fans were even seen climbing into air vents to gain access to the seats, and a shih tzu got lost. Yet, perhaps one of the most bizarre incidents to emerge from the chaos was the arrest of 71-year-old Colombian Football Federation president Ramón Jesurún Franco and his son. The elder Franco, who also serves as vice president of CONMEBOL (the South American soccer body that organized the tournament), was arrested on charges of battery on an official or employee, alongside his son, Ramón Jamil Jesurún, who's 43. According to an arrest report, the two grew angry at a security guard when he asked them to step back and placed his hand on the younger Jesurún's chest to "guide him back." At that point, the elder Jesurún allegedly shoved the guard while his son grabbed the worker by the neck and punched him. Prosecutors dropped charges against the old man, but Junior's case is still pending; a court hearing is scheduled for January 17, 2025.

Grazie Sophia Christie

Stand aside, sugar babies, Miami native Grazie Sophia Christie knows a thing or two about identifying a rich beau. In a New York magazine essay entitled "The Case for Marrying an Older Man," Christie detailed how, as a 20-year-old junior at Harvard University, she found a suitably financially endowed bachelor ten years her senior — and why, therefore, other women should consider pursuing an age-gap relationship. Her essay described lugging "a heavy suitcase of books each Saturday to the Harvard Business School" in order to home in on a well-to-do bachelor, using her "high breasts, eggs, plausible deniability when it came to purity, flush ponytail, and pep in her step" as bait. Sad to say, Christie's counsel did not sit well with the internet. Users on the platform formerly known as Twitter deemed the essay "utterly baffling" and Christie "completely unself-aware." A Harvard grad herself, Christie now passes her days in Miami, London, and "sometimes France." Locally, she's editor-in-chief of her own magazine, the Miami Native. She also has two prominent pro-life parents, both of whom are radiologists. (Her mom, Grazie Pozo Christie, played a central role in helping Gov. Ron DeSantis defeat Amendment 4, which would have enshrined abortion rights in the state constitution.)

Angelica Pacheco

A Miami-area official arrested on fraud charges — or, as we like to call it, "Thursday." Over the summer, Hialeah Councilwoman Angelica Pacheco surrendered to the FBI after she was indicted on healthcare fraud charges alleging that she used her Miami Lakes addiction treatment center, Florida Life Recovery and Rehabilitation, to falsely bill insurers for medically unnecessary services. Specifically, Pacheco, a 37-year-old nurse who was elected to Hialeah's city council in November 2023, allegedly submitted $19.1 million in bogus bills for substance-abuse therapy, urinalysis tests, and other services to multiple insurance companies between July 2017 and August 2020. Gov. Ron DeSantis suspended her from office, pending disposition of the case, in which she has pleaded not guilty to one count of conspiracy to commit healthcare fraud, five counts of healthcare fraud, and two counts of wire fraud. Her trial is set to begin in May. Miami Lakes Town Attorney Raul Gastesi has described the treatment center as a "headache" for the municipality, with neighbors complaining of daily occurrences of drug use, drug dealing, and people engaging in sexual activities on the street near the sober home.

The Dwyane Wade Statue

Say what you will about Mount Rushmore — the likenesses of four white dudes carved out of sacred rock on stolen indigenous people's land — but at least no one looks at it and says, "Who is that guy?" Yet in October, when the Miami Heat staged a ceremony to unveil a statue of NBA Hall of Famer Dwyane Wade that will stand sentry outside the Kaseya Center forevermore, the first words out the mouths of virtually all those in attendance — including the guest of honor — were: "Who is that guy?" Cast in bronze, the unlikeness is the work of sculptors Omri Amrany and Oscar León of the Chicago-based Rotblatt Armany Studio, who intended it to re-create the iconic "This Is My House" moment in 2009 when Wade propelled Miami to a 130-127 triumph over the Chicago Bulls with a steal and a three-pointer as the buzzer sounded to end the second overtime period. Instead, the statue looked like something out of The Matrix, I Am Legend, or, seen from some angles, Kelsey Grammer of Frasier fame. D-Wade graciously defended the sculpture, but it must be said: As one of the greatest players in professional basketball history, he deserved better.