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Four Outsiders Who Are Ruining Miami

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Miami long ago stripped New York City of its ultimate melting pot status. We have all types here, and the constant influx of outsiders seems to be in perpetual motion with no end in sight. Outsiders arrive by plane, boat, car, raft, inner tube, parachute, and FedEx on a daily basis. And while diversity is awesome, its side effects aren't: driving up rents, winning our lotteries, and worst of all, taking our parking spots.

We've come up with a few possible solutions, and our favorite is erecting a glass dome over the county, much like the government did to Springfield in The Simpsons Movie. But our economy ain't got time for that. So instead we're calling out the worst offenders here. When you recognize them on the street, make sure to scowl at them. That'll teach 'em.

4. Models

If you've ever watched 8th & Ocean, attended their annual beach volleyball tournament, or simply wandered the streets of eastern South Beach, you've seen them. Models exist to make the rest of us feel bad about our looks; that's as true in Miami as it is anywhere else. But here in the Magic City, they have other, far-reaching side effects for normal-looking locals.

Models have made it harder for locals to get into clubs, and for local women to get free drinks from older men in the hopes of getting laid. We're pretty sure they also brought about the whole 'small plates' concept at local restaurants. They lounge bony and topless on the beach, perpetuating the patriarchal stereotype of beauty and making sexy, voluptuous local women feel insecure. Not cool, ladies. Not cool.

3. Mobsters

If you've visited South Beach anytime within the past several years, you've come across a mobster. They've taken over clubs, bars, restaurants, and the drug, prostitution, and human trafficking trades. Plus, the Russian ones really cut into our vodka supply.

Unlike models, mobsters are more than just annoying -- they're downright scary. Ever argued over a parking spot with a mobster? No, you haven't. You're still breathing, right?

2. Communists

They hail from all over the world, giving the patriotic, democracy-loving, American flag-waving exiles from their countries a bad name. Communists love to get into discussions with Miamians over health care and education, claiming that the situation in the country they left is better than it is here.

Come on, guys -- you know Miamians aren't going to listen to anybody criticize their home city. (Unless it's another born-and-raised Miamian.)

Besides, if things here are so terrible, why do these people stick around? As wonderful as free health care and free college are, I guess no one likes standing in a bread line and watching '80s cartoons.

1. Northeasterners

Yankees and Red Sox fans might disagree on baseball, but they sure come together when it comes to ragging on the Magic City. They complain about everything: we have no seasons, we're fairweather sports fans, we have no good restaurants, we have no culture. Yet despite these complaints, they move from their frostbite-inducing climates to enjoy our beaches and lack of state income tax.

We know the truth, though. Northeasterners are just haters. If their cities are so great, why move down here? We think they're all just protesting a little bit too much. Like the publicly anti-gay politician caught in bed with his pool boy, they hate, hate, hate, in order to hide that they love, love, love Miami.

We've visited New York and Boston, and we come right back when our vacation is over with no desire to stay. Who wants to wake up every morning and shovel snow? Or, God forbid, wear galoshes? That's not how we roll.

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