You ever watch Beaches with your mom or Titanic with a girlfriend? Those weepy bitches have nothing on X Factor's contestants and judges. The entire show is just people crying and being inspirational and then crying again.
Last night, tryouts ended and boot camp began. Once the finalists are chosen, they get to go hang out at Simon, Paula, L.A., and Nicole's mansions, which in and of itself seems like a win. A few folks from Miami even made it on the show, like unemployed Nick Voss from Hialeah, who looks like a lot of fun, and a band called Illusion Confusion, whatever that means.
Now ... Instead of the traditional reality TV recap, Crossfade has chosen to present a few photos that illustrate exactly what went down last night, and basically every night, on X Factor.
Crying. Crying. And more crying.
It's not as if we like to watch Paula Abdul sob. But it's kind of funny when she does. We're convinced it's because she's all jacked up on Pepsi, which the judges are always guzzling while barking insults at contestants. Simmer down, guys! Caffeine may not be the best move when Paula's on the panel.
Choreography coach Brian Friedman kind of makes the best faces on this program. He's enjoying every brilliant and awkward moment. Last night's falcon vest sort of crossed the line of decency, though.
Siameze Floyd singing the unexpected "More Than a Feeling" was kind of awesome. His jeans had little peepholes in them, cutouts by his hips. Hullo! You're a star.
This little lady held a note for so long that it made Simon look like this:
Not a look you want from the Crown Prince of Cruel. Man, it's so hard to like Simon Cowell, even for a second.
Because he makes guys that think they're a hybrid of James Brown and Mick Jagger, like Dexter Haygood up there, look like they've recently left the battlefields of war or just watched The Notebook.
We're also blaming him for making perfectly sane, dancing grad student Mark lose his shit so entirely that he started yelling hysterically, "I don't have a life," in front of rolling cameras, pounding the ground in frustration.
This is amusing. Not her pain. Just the intensity of it all. You can cover your face, girl. But we all know you're crying.
Until next week, when we will share more tears, nuggets of hope, and lots of anger from all the judges -- except L.A. Reid.