Srsly, Miami, wtf?
If you lived 2014 in the 305, you definitely saw a lot of strange headlines related to music.
As we put this bizarre year behind us and look toward the future, we think it's important to reflect upon the past. And because we at Crossfade relish absurdity, we're making special note of the head-scratchinest moments in the past 12 months.
Remember that dumb face tattoo? That race down Alton Road? Those nudes? That brick? We know you don't remember how to twerk, but what else did you forget?
See also: The 10 People Who Won't Make It in Miami
8. Drake Versus Diddy: Knock-Out Edition
Everybody loves Drake, but nobody denies that he's the softest motherfucker in the whole rap game. Drake's the type of (expletive) to make it rain on a stripper and ask about her dreams.
It should come as no surprise, then, that when Diddy punched him in the face at LIV during Art Basel, the Canadian millionaire just turned the other cheek.
A lot of people thought the beef must have been over lady bits, but that turned out not to be the case. Apparently, it was over money, and we know that's something Diddy takes mighty seriously. That being said, Drake is the one all the girls wanna hear right now. He probably just left the club and called one of the millions of girls he's always name-droppin' in those songs. Long as his ladies love him, right?
See also: Diddy Punches Drake at LIV Miami
7. DJ Khaled Wants You to Buy Your Momma a House
OK, DJ Khaled is one of the weirdest dudes on the planet, never mind Miami. He put his acting chops on display for his latest single, "Hold You Down," but the thing is, bro cannot act.
Also, we're not sure he knows what the word "smart" means. Apparently, if you have some fake body parts and can say his name on command, DJ Khaled will give you money to buy your mom a house, buy your whole family a house, put money in your savings account, spend money for no reason, and a little extra just so you come back and ask for more.
That's a lot of money, but you know what his ass can't afford? Some decent CGI.
See also: Five Signs You Might Be a Shitty Rapper
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6. Avicii's Miami Meltdown
Has anyone bothered to check on Avicii? He may have had the worst and best 2014 on the planet.
It was the best because he smashed the world with what should have been an impossible collision of country and EDM. It was the worst because bro spent more time in a hospital than American Ebola. He was supposed to headline this year's Ultra Music Festival, but he couldn't even finish his stay at the Avicii Hotel.
Mmk, Avicii. In any case, the producer is feeling better these days, or maybe we should say "The Days," like his new single. Maybe he can float through spring enough to make it up to the UMF crowd in 2015?
5. SpaceGhostPurp Hacked by 11-Year-Old
We love the SpaceGhostPurp, but he really pissed this 11-year-old rapper off, and everyone knows the kids can run circles around their elders when it comes to computers.
In one of the strangest beefs we've ever seen, Lil Shark got hella pissed when the Raider Klan leader called him and the whole based rap movement a bunch of bullshit. Someone never taught SGP not to feed the trolls, and in the end, Lil Shark hacked the local hero's homepage. Instead of anything to do with SGP, the website became a shrine to Lil Shark and his latest EP. It even included a download link.
Now that's just fucked up, but we can't help that we find it funny.
Ya boy Rick Ross is having a fabulous 2014. He's been working real hard in the #RossFit yard, getting his sex symbol shit on. Everyone has been giving him and those pears props. But before the buff, Ross was making news for less sensible life decisions. Motherfucker got "Rich Forever" tattoo'd on his chin. It's the name of his third mixtape, which explains what it means to him, besides the obvious, but c'mon! It's not even a proper album. You can be rich forever, but do you need to be reminded forever too?
Oh well. Lookin' good, Bawse. Keep at it. #ShoutOutToAllThePears
3. Miami Doesn't Know How to Twerk
Yo, Miami, how you gonna act like you don't know how to twerk? We practically invented twerking. Actually, that accolade goes to New Orleans, but we did invent Miami bass, which is also referred to as booty bass, so what gives?
How come we Google searched "how to twerk" more than how to sing, or rap, or fight? Y'all forgot how to do the Daisy Duke dirty? Then what the hell you been doing when someone tells you to let them see that tootsie roll? We know it's poppin' off right now, but the real Miamians haven't stopped twerking since the '90s.
The Twerk Team is officially embarrassed.
Justin Bieber spent the first half of 2014 causing a mean ruckus in Miami. It seemed like every time we took a shit, Bieber was acting like one. Don't get us wrong -- we wish the Biebs would act a fool in Miami on the daily. It's great for blogs. There was the time he threw $75,000 at King of Diamonds on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. He soon was arrested and charged with a DUI for drag-racing down Pine Tree Drive in the wee morning hours. He had lawyers talkin' all about his penis after peeing on video in the jail cell, and of course, let's not forget he almost took a Miami high school student to her prom.
The Biebs was all over Miami this year, and in 2015, we just want him to return (sorry not sorry).
1. Stitches. Just, Stitches.
Maybe he's not as hard or as rich or as trap as he claims to be, but he does really have an AK-47 tatted on his face, and that's enough for us.
We also unabashedly love "Brick in Yo Face," and Miami loves selling blow, so this is basically the anthem. He may still be unsigned, and he may be kind of pussy-whipped, but he's still the best/weirdest/most WTF thing to happen to Miami in 2014.
Here's to you, Stitches, whether or not you punched your principal in the face.
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Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.