6 Places in Miami to Take Someone You Hate

"You should hit me up next time you're in town." You said it, and now you can't take it back.

We all say things we don't mean — even to the people we hate most — in the name of being cordial and hospitable. Most know these kinds of pleasantries are meaningless: When we say, "Hit me up!" we often mean, "I hope to never hear from you again."

Still, some people don't get the memo. When you least expect it, your phone buzzes and you recognize the name. It's the person with whom you may have a touch-and-go relationship, one whom you're pretty sure hates you about as much as you hate them. But alas, you're their Miami connect.

"Remember when you said I should hit you up next time I'm in town? I'll be there next weekend!"

Ugh.

Now you're stuck playing tour guide for someone you'd rather not be around. What if instead of taking them to dazzling nightclubs, mouthwatering restaurants, and serene beaches, you showed them a side of Miami that would make them hesitate to come back?

If you're unsure where to start, New Times has compiled this handy list of places in Miami to take someone you hate. Take these recommendations as a starting point, and go wild! And if all else fails, block your frenemy's number.

Bayside Marketplace

Miami should have a waterfront that is envied the world over, but poor city planning and developer-friendly concessions mean it's largely devoted to towering high-rises and the select few who can afford to live in them. The crown jewel of Miami's waterfront should be Bayside Marketplace. Imagine it: an architectural masterpiece sitting right on Biscayne Bay, filled with shops and restaurants that attract both locals and visitors. Instead, what we've got is a mélange of outdated '80s design that's home to a Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and standard mall fare. It's the place where Midwestern tourists stop the day before getting on their cruises because the rest of the city seems too exciting.

The Everglades (in the Summer!)

With more than one million visitors per year, you're probably surprised to see the Everglades on this list. And with the national park facing recent threats stemming from the development of Alligator Alcatraz, this is not the time to kick this singular ecosystem while it's down.

So let's be clear: From October through May, this national park is an absolute delight to visit. Temperatures are mild, it's teeming with wildlife, and the chances of getting caught in an afternoon thunderstorm are much lower. But during peak summer, the largest tropical wilderness in the U.S. can be downright brutal. Sure, the breeze from an airboat ride can help, but what happens if it breaks down? You become a sitting feast for mosquitoes and no-see-ums. (I'm speaking from experience: It happened to me.)

Mall of the Americas

The epitome of a dead mall, the Mall of the Americas — renamed Midway Crossings in 2022 — is a shell of its former self. Opened in the 1970s, the mall was once home to tenants like Jefferson Ward and Woolworths. It was never a high-end establishment with luxury retailers; instead, it served nearby middle-class neighborhoods with the expected mall staples. It peaked in the 1990s, with its movie theater as the main attraction. Now, you'll find retailers like Aldi, Costco, Burlington, and Micro Center. However, the mall is also home to the actual Ninth Circle of Hell: the Midway Crossings DMV. Much like every other Miami-Dade DMV, it's virtually impossible to get an appointment.

The Metrorail

The New York Subway, the Washington D.C. Metro, the Los Angeles Metro Rail, the Chicago "L" — what do they all have in common? They are all rapid-transit systems that get people where they need to go. Miami's Metrorail is not on that list. After opening in 1984, it should have heralded many lines that snaked throughout the county, whisking people to and from highly trafficked areas, helping to get cars off the road, and alleviating congestion. Unfortunately, four decades later, the Metrorail still consists of a single line, save for the small extension made for the Miami International Airport in 2012. You can blame several factors, from NIMBYism to poor city planning and politicians who continue to believe that more highways are the answer to Miami's congestion woes. In its current state, you can take your nemesis on a tour of Dadeland with stops at Coconut Grove and Vizcaya along the way, though you'll have to cross a very busy US-1 to get to either one (at least we have overpasses now).

Miami Seaquarium

If you're a '90s kid, you probably remember going on field trips to the Miami Seaquarium. There were plenty of animals to gawk at, and Lolita was still performing regularly. Since the release of the 2013 documentary Blackfish, the American public has turned its back on orca shows, and for good reason. Lolita, in particular, lived in a tank that was way too small for her for most of her life. While there were plans to have her live out the rest of her days away from the public eye, she tragically died in captivity in 2023. Beyond Lolita's sad tale, the Seaquarium is in a state of disrepair. It's surprising that its current owner, the Dolphin Company, doesn't have plans to raze it and start anew. It's not exactly bringing in droves of visitors.

South Beach

So, you think South Beach is the best Miami has to offer? Oh, sweet, summer child. When it comes to beaches, Crandon Park, Bill Baggs State Park, Mattheson Hammock, North Beach, and Haulover Beach all trounce it. You'll avoid the large crowds, aggressive policing, constant blaring of nearby radios and party boats, and beachgoers who think the ocean is their dumping ground. Off the sands, Ocean Drive is home to overpriced restaurants with aggressive hostesses trying to sell you on fish-tank-sized drinks with five Coronas inverted into them. And why does every alleyway and parking garage smell like piss? Sure, the art deco buildings are nice, but is it all worth it?