The Pros and Cons of National Naked Hiking Day

​Naked Hiking Day takes place this year on June 21, a Tuesday. Seems like an innocuous day to get out of your underwear and gallop out in the open air. Instinctively, it makes sense. It's like, yes, go back to your roots, be all tribal and shit. But then the actual logistics of this "free spirited" activity awoke in us thoughts of asshole mosquito bites, and nippular poison ivy.

There are pros and cons to wandering the wilderness in the nude. The idea of grabbing a hiking stick (an actual stick, you perverts), our Nalgene filled with filtered tap water, strapping on our finest hiking boots, and taking off everything else sounds like a really fun time! Let's look at what we should be specifically worried and stoked about.

Bugs, snakes, critters: Con

Bugs suck. In Boston right now, they have an influx of giant mosquitoes the size of an orgy of wasps, saw it on TV. Down here, our mosquitoes are twenty times as hungry. The Everglades are filled with child-sized munching bugs of all sorts, things like giant beetles, fearless grasshoppers, and critters that would turn Andrew Zimmern's stomach. Without the protection of fabric, you might as well cover yourself with honey and lay in an ant pile. It's like you're a meat kabob in a pen with starving tigers.

Achieving an actual sensation of freedom: Pro
Being naked rules. Maybe you're self-conscious. Here's a little note for you: get over it, you'll be dead soon enough, enjoy those flabby tits and flat tushies to their fullest. It's not like being naked in a warm enough climate is simply something that seems liberating, it freakin' is. It's awesome.

Rangers: Con
sn't there something, maybe everything, illegal about walking around nude in public? There was that women can be topless in New York thing, but generally speaking we mean. Does it make you a sex offender to be caught in the flesh in public? If you're hiking naked in a national park, and you get caught, would that make it a federal offense? These are things we need to know before dropping trou in the outdoors. Call your nudist lawyer friends, you've got at least one. Ask around.&

Other hikers: Pro/Con
After you get over being self-conscious, it kind of seems like it'd be fun to prance around naked, but running into other people on the trails might make the whole affair kind of either exciting or embarrassing. It's safe to bet everyone huffing and puffing in the summer air over broken twigs is going to be about 300 pounds of hairy man meat, so chill out, bring some pepper spray, bear spray, bug spray, and get ready to show Mother Earth the beauty she made in you.

Happy trails!

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