Ah, the many cliches of St. Patrick's Day: the wearing of shamrocks, the jaunty Irish music, and of course, the drinking of green beer. We have nothing against tradition, but isn't it time for a few new tricks? Green beer has been done to death. And frankly, we're tired of waking up on March 18 with our mouths and drool-covered collars stained with food coloring. (The hangover's bad enough.)
Still, this Saturday's a celebration of the Emerald Isle, so our indulgences on that day should have something to do with the color of the Irish. Luckily, green is also the color of vice -- which means you have your pick of ways to get stupid this weekend.
Plenty of beer comes in green bottles, but most won't taste any better than the green stuff they're handing out at Fado. If you're going to drink crappy beer, why not at least make it good for the planet? You can raise a glass of organic suds at just about any bar with a decent beer selection these days. It may not be as colorful as the tinted Bud Lite you'll find elsewhere, but you'll have the peace of mind of knowing that Mother Nature endorses your alcoholism.
This one's a no-brainer, by which we mean you'll feel like you have no brain after indulging. But it'll be, like, totally worth it, man. Especially after you challenge your similarly stoned friends to an Irish accent contest. (Nobody wins, of course, but everybody gets the giggles.)
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How is caffeine a green vice, you ask? You're probably thinking of the chocolatey color of coffee, or the delightful urine yellow of Red Bull. Still, we have two words that could change your mind: Mountain Dew. Long before Red Bull gave you wings, and before you became a grown-up who learned to handle the bitterness of an Americano, Mountain Dew was what kept you buzzing around the playground. So this Saturday, why not do the Dew -- for Ireland!
Sugar's not an exclusively green vice. Just ask Jelly Belly. But there are plenty of ways to get your 'betes on with green colored snacks. For instance, here at New Times, a secret leprechaun dropped off a batch of green frosted cupcakes in our kitchen this morning, meaning that we've all been walking around all day with mold-looking smears of frosting on our faces. You can also get your sugar highs from green M&Ms, green apple rings, or our personal favorite, green Pixy Stix. They're all sugar and a tiny bit of food coloring, so essentially they're the sweet version of green beer.
Cold, hard cash: the greatest vice of them all. And there are so many ways to revel in it here in Miami. Head to Bal Harbour for a stupidly expensive spending spree. Put it all on black at the Magic City Casino. Or just bust through the doors at King of Diamonds and make it rain. The only problem we foresee is coming up with the money to do all these things in the first place. Better start following that rainbow, man.