Art Basel Miami Beach

Ten Things Not to Wear to an Art Basel Miami Beach Club Party

Art Basel is in full swing by now. There are oversized mollusks all over the freaking place! But in addition to the "art," come some of the very best parties, like, ever.

Case in point: How To Dress Well and Toro y Moi tomorrow night at Bardot. Now we like Toro and his chillout electropop. But this time out, we're really all abuzz over How To Dress Well, otherwise known as Tom Krell, a lo-fi all-star who first turned heads with 2009's The Eternal Love, and kept the trend going with this season's Love Remains.

In honor of How To Dress Well's appearance in the 305, we've decided to help you avoid embarrassing Basel fashion situations. See the cut for Crossfade's list of ten things not to wear to How to Dress Well's club party at Bardot, because, well, it'd be ironic if you showed up looking like a walking faux pas.

10. Trucker hats. That's right, I'm talking to you, Ashton Kutcher. No, not the real Ashton Kutcher. We're talking to the guy who still rocks trucker hats ten years later. This goes double for wearing it cocked at an angle.

9. Sunglasses indoors, at night. You know a trend is bad when the beer industry has vilified it on TV.

8. White belts on guys. Cut the crap Rico Suave. It don't look good. No, not even with your pointy white leather dress shoes. And while we're on the topic of footwear...

7. Shoes made of animal skin. This goes for alligator skin, snake skin, ostrich skin, elephant skin, hippo skin, or any other type of animal skin shoe. To keep it simple, just stay out of Rasool's.

6. Suspenders on fat guys. Sorry, fat guys, we're not trying to be insensitive. We all just need to know and understand our body types, and wearing something that makes you look like a peach in a slingshot is not a good look. Same goes for tight vests.

5. Ironic t-shirts with blazers. Don't get us wrong. We all used to rock this look. But it's important to know when to let a trend go, and this one ran its course before it even started.

4. Printed tees. No, not all printed tees. Just overly printed tees. Think the male cast of Jersey Shore circa T-Shirt Time! Affliction, Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier, I'm looking at you.

3. Exposed thong straps. OK, don't get me wrong. We agree that the thong is one of the greatest contributions ever made to civilization. But ladies, showing the string above the brim of your jeans has its place. And that place is Biscayne Boulevard.

2. Skinny jeans that give you muffintop. This is another one dedicated to the ladies. Because if you're a guy and we can see your muffintop, you have bigger style issues to address. Did you know that if you combine this one with the previous no-no, the outcome is actually what John Mayer dubbed asexual napalm.

1. Meat. You'd think this was obvious. But since people go and try to do every other insane damn thing that they see celebrities do, it's better to just put it out there. Yes, Gaga looks good in bloody chunks of real raw meat. But that doesn't mean you will too. Plus its gross. And/or about six to eight minutes away from being delicious.

How To Dress Well, Toro y Moi and DJ Contra. Saturday, December 4. Bardot, 3456 N Miami Ave., Miami. The party starts at 10 p.m. and cover costs $10. 305-576-7750 or visit

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Christopher Lopez