Commercial advertising is practically hypnotism.
Every night, we think we're logging into Hulu because we want to re-watch the first season of whatever TV show we are presently marathoning. But really, we are psychically addicted to a tension-and-release psychic addiction that lures us in with entertainment and then wraps our consciousness in the burning desire to spend money.
In the lead up to the Super Bowl of advertising (which happens to also be the literal Super Bowl), we thought it might be useful to break down some of the more commonly abused subliminal archetypes. Then we added beer, because: football.
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Subliminal Message:: "Chug! Chug! Chug!"
Drinking Game: Chug your beer for the duration of the commercial.
Subliminal Message: "Get addicted to saturated fat and salt"
Drinking Game: A shot of grain alcohol for every commercial depicting a burger, milkshake, candy bar, soda pop, etc.
First you get 'em sauced. And then you unleash a high-sodium, high-cholesterol parade of juicy, mayonnaise-slathered two-patty cheeseburgers. And then you count fat stacks like you're Jay-Z's accountant. Only the dough is all yours.
Subliminal Message: "This product has something to do with appealing to sexy ladies and, if you buy it, you will too."
Drinking Game: Chug a Smirnoff Twisted Arctic Berry.
We have always been a little skeptical about the concept of "Sex Sells." Only the saddest slice of the Super Bowl's ratings demographic can possibly believe that Doritos-breath is secretly a pheromone.
Subliminal Message: "YOLO!!!!!!!!"
Drinking Game: One shot of flaming absinthe for any and all references to contemporary popular cultural that will be rendered completely dated and obsolete next year. (Examples: "Gangnam Style," fucking #hashtags.)
We predict at least three "Gangnam Style" references before the night is over. So if you're seriously planning to play along with this game of drinking, you might also need to plan to lose control of your bowels and your memory. 'Cause you're getting shitty, stupid drunk.
Subliminal Message: "Hulk Smash!"
Drinking Game: For every violent display, we're sorry to say, you've got to chug a Steel Reserve for the duration of the clip.
Obviously, the viewership at hand is entertained by extreme acts of physical violence. Football is the modern Colosseum; football players are today's gladiators. And we are the rabid and bloodthirsty spectators looking for the greatest distraction we can find from pre-Enlightenment hygienic practices. Although I guess in 2013, the equivalent social vice would be people who can't get off their fucking space phones.
Subliminal Message: "The natural world compels you to consume"
Drinking Game: There is clearly no other option but swallowing an entire bottle of Budweiser, no matter the length of the commercial. So every time you see adorable animals asking you to buy the next round, or CGI birds turn pooping on your car into Top Gun, it's time to chug-a-lug.
The circle of life is not all singing warthogs and sunshine, as depicted in the documentary/bio-pic, The Lion King. Sometimes it involves abusing your body and mind in the name of other people's profits.
Subliminal Message: "Here is a secret maxim to get you to spend money."
Drinking Game: If you suspect you've just heard the latest cultural jingle catchphrase of the decade, you're allowed to force another contestant to take a shot or chug a beer of your choosing. Each contestant is allowed one cash-in, so use wisely.
You're getting sleepy. Veeery sleepy.