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Seven Reasons Your Cat Hates The Internet

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They're snuggly. They're snooty. They're hilarious. Is it any wonder our Internet tubes are clogged with cats? They're like a living, breathing, addictive substance -- one huff, and you become a raging Elmyra: "I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever!"

We estimate that for more than a decade, cats have provided at least half of all entertainment online. (The other half is, of course, porn.) But let's get real, cat owners: It's not all fun and games for your furry feline friend. The viral videos and photos featuring cats range from insulting to downright life-threatening. In fact, we're pretty sure cats everywhere are one stupid meme away from killing us all in our sleep.

The following memes represent just part of the Internet's all-out war against cats. It's clear that we need to stop the madness. Please, think of the kittens.

This is the newest dumb thing people are actually doing to animals they claim to love. Step one: Cut a cat head-shaped hole in a piece of bread. Step two: Place bread onto your cat. Step three: Take it all in, perhaps laughing, perhaps wondering why you are so incredibly bored, perhaps contemplating suicide. (These are emotions your cat is feeling as well.)

Keyboard Cat
Two possibilities here. One: This cat has been drugged into a near-coma, powerless to resist this torture. Two: This cat is biding his time, waiting for the cameraman to turn his back so that he can kill him and escape this prison of puppetry for good. If only the video quality were better, we'd be able to tell if his eyes were glazed, or merely filled with rage.

Cat Painting
No, cat painting never actually happened. But the world's fascination with the concept is insulting enough, isn't it? Think of what this must have done to cats' self-esteem. Next we'll be suggesting they get boob jobs and vajazzling. Don't listen to 'em, gatos. You are beautiful, no matter what they say.

Cat Wigs
See above.

Bonsai Kitten
What kind of a messed-up individual wants to grow a kitten in a jar? Not only would it be terribly inhumane, but it makes kittens impossible to snuggle, significantly reducing their usefulness to human society. Don't be fooled by their love of empty boxes -- cats and jars don't mix.

Y'know how cats seem all uppity? It's because they're smart. Throughout history, cats have convinced humans to care for them, pamper them, even worship them. We pick their poop out of a sand-filled box, and still manage to love them -- that's no accident. So memes like LOLcats are to real cats what the Geico commercials are to those fake-real cavemen.

Ohh, great idea. Let's tell adorable baby kittens that there's an evil, brown monster who'll feast upon their flesh if their owners indulge in a little self-pleasure. They're sure to be terrified when you actually *do* masturbate -- and, let's face it, you do that shit all the time. It's like telling a small child the original, un-Disneyfied, gruesome tale of Hansel and Gretel, then dropping them off at an actual gingerbread house. No wonder cats always look like they hate us.

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