Help! My Boyfriend Wants Me to Beat His Ass in Bed!

Dear Boyfriend Beater,

Define normal for me. What's normal to you may seem totally bizarre to others. Take me for example, pissing on a guy's face -- normal. Kicking somebody in the nuts until they turn black -- normal. Shoving a pencil-sized metal rod in a man's urethra and lighting it up on fire -- normal. Straight sex under the sheets -- ew, freaky.

There is nothing wrong with the "slap-bite-and-scratch" routine. In fact, it adds something unexpected to otherwise mundane fucking. Instead of complaining, Boyfriend Beater, you should run to your man and thank him with a blow job for trying to spice up your sex life. Why get freaked out by something so innocuous? It's not like your boyfriend asked you to tie him up to the bed and inflate his scrotum with saline. Chill the fuck out and try to please your mate. If he likes it rough, go for it. I understand that routine sex scenarios can get boring at times, so be creative. If you're tired of abusing your guy the way he wants, come up with a torture plot of your own.

Having said that, it makes me angry to see how selfish some women are when it comes to sex. Stop acting like total whiny cunts. I hate to break it to you, ladies, but it's not all about your needs and wants. Men also have their desires and fantasies, and you ought to satisfy them. Occasionally, guys long for something more than just a blow job. There should be some balance in the bedroom, so try to compromise. Ask your boyfriend to do things that make you happy, and then oblige his demands. It's only fair. Let me put it to you this way: If he has to put up with all your mood swings, PMS, and constant trivial bitching, you should try to repay him by doing what he wants in the sack. Be it slapping, biting, or scratching.

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