When we apply those childhood game rules to more complex experiences like dating, it's possible to get things wrong. What if our dating biases have rendered us colorblind?
I asked my Instagram followers to give me examples of perceived red flags that were actually green. Their responses ranged from thought-provoking to spot on. Then, I reached out to Dr. Carolina Pataky, cofounder of the Miami-based Love Discovery Institute, which specializes in relationships, intimacy, and personal development, to give us her take on some of our reader submissions. Read her feedback and decide for yourself: Are these green or red flags?
They have a good relationship with their ex
Why it appears red: Many people feel exes come with unnecessary baggage, manipulations, or unresolved feelings.Why it might be green: "It often reflects emotional maturity, accountability, and the ability to navigate endings with integrity rather than conflict or avoidance," says Dr. Pataky. "If someone can maintain clear boundaries while still honoring the role an ex played in their life, it is often a sign of emotional complexity and relational intelligence. The key is transparency. It should feel grounded, not ambiguous. A continued relationship with an ex becomes a red flag only when boundaries are blurred or when that connection interferes with emotional availability in the present."
They express vulnerability
Why it appears red: Feelings are scary.Why it might be green: "When someone shares their feelings openly, especially early in a relationship, it can be misinterpreted as neediness," Dr. Pataky says. "In reality, the ability to express emotions without fear is a profound strength. It shows a secure relationship with oneself and a readiness to build authentic intimacy rather than perform perfection."
They say they're a freak
Why it appears red: As a society, we still attribute overt sexuality with shame and promiscuity. Why it might be green: "It signals curiosity, openness, and a comfort with one's own desires — traits that can foster deeper connection. Those who are sexually exploratory often value communication, consent, and honesty, which are essential for healthy erotic relationships," says Dr. Pataki. "What matters is not the behavior itself, but the emotional context. Is there mutual respect? Is there attunement and care? Sexual openness becomes a concern only when it is disconnected from intimacy, used to avoid vulnerability, or driven by validation-seeking rather than authentic connection."
They have friends of the opposite sex
Why it appears red: Because men and women can't possibly have a close relationship that's purely platonic, right?Why it might be green: According to Dr. Pataky, "Having close friendships with people of the opposite sex is often a sign of secure attachment and relational maturity. It demonstrates an ability to connect across gender without sexualizing every interaction. These friendships can be rich, fulfilling, and offer diverse emotional support. The green flag becomes a red one only when there is secrecy, blurred boundaries, or when your partner invalidates your concerns rather than engaging them with openness and empathy. In the end, the issue is not gender — it is transparency and respect."
They are estranged from toxic family members or healing in therapy
Why it appears red: Therapy is (incorrectly) seen as a sign of weakness, and having a poor relationship with family can seem like an implication that someone is difficult to get along with. Why it might be green: "Being in therapy is one of the clearest signs of emotional responsibility," says Dr. Pataky. "It shows a commitment to self-awareness, growth, and healing, not just for themselves, but for the people they love. Therapy is not about being broken — it is about being brave enough to look within and do the work. A partner who chooses to evolve through therapy often brings greater communication skills, emotional regulation, and relational depth to a relationship. That is not a red flag. That is a superpower."
He's close with his mom
Why it appears red: Some mothers-in-law have reputations for failing to respect boundaries (and there can only be one queen in the castle). Why it might be green: "A man who maintains a healthy, respectful relationship with his mother can be a great sign," says Dr. Pataky. "It often speaks to his capacity for emotional intimacy, respect for women, and relational stability. The key is whether the relationship has appropriate boundaries. If he's emotionally enmeshed or overly dependent, that's different. But a man who honors his bond with his mother, while still standing firmly in his own adult identity, often brings emotional intelligence, empathy, and the ability to nurture strong partnerships."
They don't have social media
Why it appears red: These people must have something to hide! Do they have a secret family? Out of town hookups? International crime syndicate? Why it might be green: "Choosing to stay off social media is often a profound act of autonomy in today's world. It can reflect a person's ability to resist external validation and stay anchored in their own internal sense of worth," says Dr. Pataky. "In relationships, this autonomy matters. Intimacy thrives not on performance for an audience, but on quiet presence between two people.
"That said, it is also important to pay attention to the subtleties. There is a difference between a healthy preference for privacy and secrecy that protects disconnection, double lives, or avoidant patterns. If someone is unusually guarded about their life, unwilling to share personal details, or vague about reasons for staying offline, especially when transparency matters, it is worth exploring whether the withdrawal serves connection or hides from it."
They are "nice"
Why it appears red: Some of us just love the chase too much. Nice guys and gals can be thought of as desperate or too easy.Why it might be green: "In a culture that often glamorizes emotional unavailability, genuine attentiveness can easily be misinterpreted as desperation," says Dr. Pataky. "But being responsive is actually a strong green flag. It shows emotional maturity, secure attachment, and a willingness to invest. Attentiveness reflects a person's capacity to attune to your needs, respect your feelings, and co-create emotional safety. All of these are essential for long-term connection.
"The difference between healthy attentiveness and desperation lies in the motivation and the emotional tone behind it. Healthy responsiveness feels steady, respectful, and grounded. It is about connection, not control. True desperation, on the other hand, carries anxiety, urgency, and often a fear of abandonment. It is less about seeing you and more about trying to secure themselves."
