"Hi Asha!! I'm John! How are you?? You are so sexy and beautiful!! Love your writing so much!! It turns me on so much to see you writing about sex! Do you have great sex these days? I'd love to hear about what turns you on!!!"
In what world, I wondered, does anyone think that this kind of unsolicited message will land? Sure, I write about sex and relationships on a public forum, but that's because I believe a sex-positive dialogue is a healthy way to be honest about our desires and combat generational shame. It does not mean I want to discuss my personal life with strangers on the internet. (Hi, John!)
Most people get this, of course, and I genuinely do enjoy hearing from people who contact me about my work or reach out to drop a friendly (nonsexual) comment.
But it's not just me who receives messages that make me want to delete social media. If you're a woman with a public account and have ever posted a photo, there's a strong chance you've received a creepy DM or two (or a thousand) along the way.
One influencer who posts about modern motherhood and breaking the cycle of family trauma told me she regularly receives messages from older men who want to pay her $5,000 a month to be their sugar baby. (She often features her husband in her Instagram reels). "People are gross," she says. "Sometimes I respond, 'Sweetie, I have two kids and live in Miami Beach. You can't afford me.'"
Another woman, a popular comedian, shared several unsolicited DMs with me, ranging from "How I'm trying to grab your love handles" to "Thiccer than a bowl of oatmeal." Some of the messages appeared to have been written by ChatGPT (because, apparently, those guys weren't creative enough to be creepy on their own).
Social media is a lot of things — a way to stay connected with loved ones (at its best) or a space to anonymously judge frenemies (at its worst). Sometimes, it can be a platform for connecting with people you admire or with whom you share common interests. I'm not suggesting we should never slide into a stranger's DMs — I do — but we need to remember social media is not a dating app or OnlyFans.
If you're going to shoot your shot on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook Messenger, or other social platforms, there are ways to keep it classy (or at least not too cringe). With advice from relationship expert and sexologist Dr. Mindy DeSeta, New Times compiled the following list of DM'ing do's and don'ts:
Do: Be Creative and Honest With Your Opener
Not everyone is witty; if you weren't destined to write for SNL, at least make it clear why you're reaching out. Dr. DeSeta says, "Do not open with a 'hi' — it's lame and extremely uninviting. A closed-ended comment leaves them little room or no reason to respond." Don't: Mislead or Pretend you Know Them Already
This one was inspired by a man I do not know who used my name to slide into a woman's DMs. He said, "We are both friends with Asha!" which was misleading and ultimately not a successful strategy. She fact-checked his message and, when I told her to run, immediately blocked him. Do: Be Polite
"Reaching out to a stranger on social media is always a risk," says Dr. DeSeta. "You are making a judgment or creating a story in your mind about this person solely based on pictures. Play it safe and keep the conversation cool and casual until you feel it is safe to dive deeper."Don't: Lead with Sexual Commentary
It's highly unlikely you'll find success if you slide into someone's DMs and immediately imply you're DTF, or open the conversation by commenting on the person's body parts. The same goes for unsolicited dick pics. Please don't be that guy.Do: Know Your Audience
Dr. DeSeta advises: "Make it personal. Try a comment that points to something in their photos, or try to relate through a shared interest or something you find unique about them." When in doubt, tell them their dog is cute (as long as they have one).Don't: Turn Into a Stage 5 Clinger
"Avoid becoming a stalker," says Dr. DeSeta. "If they accept your request, it is not an open invitation to blow up their page. Be cool and give people time to respond." Spamming is never a good idea, my friends. Do: Back Off When Told
"No" means "no." Really. Don't: Become Aggressive if the DM Doesn't Go Your Way
Getting turned down can bruise the ego, but it happens the best to us. Please, take the L and walk it off. Pillow Talk to Me: What's it really like to date in Miami right now? We want to hear your on-the-ground stories. Submit to [email protected]
