Vice City Pillow Talk: Debunking the 80/20 Rule of Dating Depicted in Adolescence

Dating optimism is at an all-time low, especially in Miami, so it's almost too easy to believe the provocative 80/20 rule lighting up the internet. Now in the cultural lexicon because of the hit British show Adolescence, which premiered in the U.S. in March and has already made Netflix's all-time most popular list, the 80/20 rule of dating is a bastardization of the Pareto Principle, which is a concept named after economist Vilfredo Pareto and states that 80 percent of outcomes derive from 20 percent of causes. Its adaptation claims 80 percent of women are only attracted to 20 percent of men. The truth, however, is far more nuanced than that.

If you haven't seen the show, I won't spoil it here, but Adolescence is about a 13-year-old boy who is accused of stabbing a female classmate. It's a brutal topic and raises important questions about perceived masculinity, loneliness, and interpersonal connection in the digital age. The show opens with main character Jamie Miller (Owen Cooper) arrested on suspicion of murdering Katie Leonard (Emilia Holliday). As detectives try to piece together a motive, they discover the victim had trolled the boy's Instagram page with emojis that are attributed to incel culture (like 💯, which in this context is used to symbolize the 80/20 rule of dating), suggesting she was calling him undateable.

It's incels — self-described "involuntarily celibate" men and notorious misogynists — who appropriated the 80/20 rule and applied it to female attraction. They like to shout at one another on Reddit about how most women are only drawn to a small percentage of men — those considered most traditionally masculine, attractive, or financially successful — leaving the majority of other men rejected and alone.

The show depicts male loneliness as a direct result of young men's increasing Internet consumption. Adolescence also explores how it's often men who are taught to have unrealistic expectations of women's looks and traits through porn and other media.

It's true that the world, including our seaside speck on the map, is experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. More adults than ever are choosing to remain single, dating apps and social media have stunted our in-person communication skills, and we've become more selective than ever in choosing partners. The 80/20 claim, however, is arbitrary and invalidates the fact that many women are also lonely and that attraction is about so much more than physical appearance and wealth (yes, even here in Miami).

Dr. Carolina Pataky, cofounder of the locally based Love Discovery Institute, which specializes in relationships, intimacy, and personal development, tells New Times that the 80/20 rule of dating is a "misapplication of the Pareto Principle" and that dissatisfaction with dating is a universal problem — it is not only limited to men seeking women.

"This phenomenon reflects deep sociocultural shifts that are influencing how people approach their lives and relationships," she says. "As we navigate the digital age, connections often become superficial, and the genuine intimacy required for close relationships can be harder to achieve."

Single people are probably not surprised to hear this, though reasons for being more selective or opting out vary.

"Women now have greater access to education, career opportunities, and financial independence than in previous generations," says Dr. Pataky. "This autonomy allows them to make choices that prioritize their personal and professional aspirations over traditional relationship timelines. This selectivity isn't just about seeking 'better' matches, but is also about women asserting their right to choose relationships that truly resonate with their values and life goals."

Men have also become more selective. "In reality, men also face the challenge of finding partners who meet their emotional and intellectual needs, not just physical or superficial criteria. Therefore, attraction is not a one-way street; it is a nuanced interaction influenced by multiple factors beyond mere numbers or percentages."

Another reason we're having such a hard time finding suitable partners (and this is a real hot take) is this: Divisiveness between men and women is also at an all-time high.

"The pervasive negative rhetoric between men and women in public discourse is indeed unhealthy," says Dr. Pataky. "It not only reflects but also reinforces divisions within our personal and communal relationships. This kind of discourse promotes misunderstanding and resentment, which can deter meaningful connections and empathy between individuals."

So, what can we do about it?

"The key lies in embracing authenticity and emotional presence," she says. "It's crucial to engage in self-reflection to understand what one truly seeks in a relationship beyond surface-level attributes. In the digital dating sphere, presenting oneself honestly and clearly can help attract potential partners who are looking for genuine connections."

Adolescence does an admirable job of taking on complex topics like the rise of the so-called "manosphere" and the debilitating effects of loneliness. However, while its references to the 80/20 rule of dating serve as a warning about incel culture, it's also important to debunk that claim as yet another fallacy deployed by extremists to promote hostility and division.

Men and women can sometimes feel like vastly different species, yes. But women do not hold all the power when it comes to selecting partners. If it feels like you're endlessly swiping without end, try brushing off the old conversation skills and head to an IRL singles meetup where you are more likely to judge a book by its contents (not just its cover).