Bloomberg Businessweek recently decided to count down the top 50 best cities in America, and Miami doesn't even make their list.
They even based their rankings on attributes like leisure activities (including bars, restaurants, and sports teams), and clean air. So, you'd think we'd at least make it on the list, because all we do here is leisure around while breathing in clean air. Yet, they also included bummer criteria like "the economy" and "crime." What a downer. So, Miami was left off. Yet, we're actually better than every single city on this list. Here's why.
50. Los Angeles
Los Angeles is almost exactly like Miami if it was stretched out 10 times for maximum sprawl, had even worse traffic, and everyone was made just a little bit dumber, vainer and douchier. Why would anyone live there? Unless they like the cruel thrill of being waited on by wannabe actors who are slowly realizing that their dreams of Hollywood stardom will never actually come true.
49. Anchorage, Alaska
The average temperature is just 14 degrees above freezing. No sane person would ever live there, even if it does come with a nice view of Russia.
The city's most famous musical export, Bright Eyes, is a band that everyone is ashamed to admit they loved in high school.
47. St. Louis
Building a giant arch over a river to try and make your city seem interesting and stand out is the equivalent of a college sophomore getting a nose piercing.
This is a city that has so little going on that it threw a prolonged, multi-year meltdown because some guy who was good at basketball decided to move out of town. We're not even going to mention that he decided to come to Miami. Oh wait, yes we are! Ha. Ha. Ha. Shove it, Cleveland.
45. Chesapeake, Virginia
You know what the most interesting thing about Chesapeake, Virginia is? Seriously. We're asking. No one in Chesapeake, Virginia even knows what the most interesting thing about Chesapeake, Virginia is.
Not so great if you're brown.
42. Reno, Nevada
Really, the ratchet version of Las Vegas made this list? I guess you're in luck if you like second-rate casinos and third-rate strip malls.
It's a giant city for sure, but is there anything to actually do here besides wear cowboy boots with business suits?
40. Virginia Beach
... is for
Lovers people who want to go on a beach vacation but can't afford Florida.
39. Charlotte, North Carolina
Reporters covering both the RNC and DNC this year were actually surprised to find that there was a worse city than Tampa.
Tulsa does not even deserve the honor of having explained to it why it is is horrible.
Indianapolis is home to Midwest Fashion Week. I have no idea why, but when I found that out I laughed uncontrollably. Midwest Fashion Week. Come on. You can't even make that up. Midwest Fashion Week. Jeez.
36. Colorado Springs
I had to look this town up on Wikipedia to make a joke about it, but the entry was so boring I couldn't even browse it.
34 (tie). Tampa
This is the single city from Florida that made the list? Really? We have better strip clubs. We have better Cuban sandwiches. We have better beaches. We have better attendance at our sports games (which, ha!). We have better culture. Anything that Tampa could possible take pride in, Miami does so much better. It's almost sad, really.
34 (tie). Lincoln, Nebraska
All you need to know about Lincoln, Nebraska is that it's tied with Tampa. (Congrats, now you know one single thing about Lincoln, Nebraska).
33. San Jose, California
Do you know the way to San Joe? No. No one does, because everyone here just got lost on their way to either San Francisco or L.A. and shrugged their shoulders and decided to stay.
32. Rochester, New York
This place used to call itself the Flour City. Then they decided to change it to the Flower City. That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Calling this place San Francisco's Fort Lauderdale would actually be a compliment.
30. San Antonio
At least our Hispanic mayor can actually speak Spanish, unlike a certain rising Hispanic Democratic superstar who reigns over this place. Sure, Tomas Regalado's English ain't that great, but that is beside the point.
I'm not sure what this means, but I've meet several people in Miami who were vacationing from Baltimore. They all asked me if I knew where to get coke, so they could try "real cocaine." Take from that what you will.
A city famous for being a large American city that is not New York City.
27. Arlington, Virginia
Bloomberg actually included a picture of the Arlington National Cemetery along with their slide of Arlington. Think about that. A city where it's an honor to be buried, and yet we're not sure it's such an honor to live there.
There's a reason why people who can afford to don't drink American beer. (And while we're at it, Miami is home to Bacardi USA, so we're doing just fine in the booze department).
25. Lexington, Kentucky
"The Horse Capital of the World." Wow, really? Good for you guys, and all your horses. That is really something to be the world capital of. Good job. Keep it up. Horses.
I think this town let Tom Hanks die of AIDS or something.
23. Oklahoma City
An actual conversation I had while stressing through this list:
Is in Ohio.
20. Columbus, Ohio
Is also in Ohio.
We all know the only reason Hawaii was even added as a state was because 50 states sounded a whole lot better than 49 states.
18. Raleigh, North Carolina
The Raleigh Hotel on South Beach is a much more interesting and pretty place than the entire city of Raleigh, North Carolina.
Congratulations on being home to the only governor in the country who is a bigger dick than Rick Scott.
Atlanta has the biggest Miami inferiority city of any city not named Fort Lauderdale. They think they can hang with us. When in reality, their clubs are worse, their rap scene is inferior, their general culture scene doesn't make a blip, and their beaches are non-existent. The only thing Atlanta does better than Miami is Real Housewives.
15. Kansas City, Missouri
A city that wants out of its own miserable state so much that they named it after the neighboring state. That neighboring state is Kansas.
14. New Orleans
I can't make this joke. I'm sorry I can't. It's not in good taste. Let's carry on.
Nashville likes to claims it's the musical capital of America. You know who's the last popular musician who grew up in Nashville to make it big? Ke$ha.
You know when you meet someone with a twin and they're always trying to prove they're actually an individual and come off weirdly competitive with their twin? Let's call that twin Julie and the other one June. Julie, who, by the way, just cut her hair short so she doesn't even look like June anymore, is always like, "Well, I think my boyfriend is going to propose, and I'm taking French classes at night, and I'm finally thinking about submitting some of my poetry to some small literary journals. I got a lot going on you know. I mean June is doing alright, I guess. She's on and off with that same guy, and she's still got that bank teller job. We're just so different that sometimes I think it's weird that we're even twins. I'm just so much more free spirited and interesting." Julie is Minneapolis.
I always get this place confused with Philadelphia. Is this the one with the cream cheese? No. Oh, maybe the cheesesteak? Nope. Oh, OK, what about the steel? Oh, yes? OK. Steel! Exciting stuff!
10. St. Paul
My Dad was born in St. Paul. He took us to Minnesota one single time. He didn't even take us to St. Paul. He knew there was nothing to see. Minneapolis has nothing to worry about, and yet somehow St. Paul is apparently better.
9. San Diego
America's number one capital for people who don't want to move to Mexico but never want to be more than an hour away from a donkey show.
8. Austin, Texas
One time I went to Austin for SXSW and got lost drunkenly trying to walk between parties. Apparently I walked through the most dangerous neighborhood in the city, which I learned later when I was talking to wide-eyed Austinites who were generally amazed I had made it through unscathed. I don't know, I thought it was rather quaint. Conclusion: Austin is for pussies.
7. New York
New York is only an enjoyable city to live in if you make more than $200,000-a-year or have a trust fund. And with the successive mayorships of Rudy Giuliani and Michael Bloomberg, it's starting to resemble a boring theme park. Good Lord, it's illegal to drink Big Gulps or dance in bars without the proper permits. You know where it's illegal to dance in Miami? Nowhere. Not even in the middle of the street. It's kind of a bummer on traffic, but no one will stop you here.
"The Mile High City has evolved into a major night life and dining hub," writes Bloomberg. Hahaha, no it hasn't. It absolutely is not a major nightlife hub. No one believes that for a second. Shut up, Bloomberg News. Shut up. Bye.
5. Portland, Oregon
Portland is actually great, because every time I meet someone in South Florida who wants to move there, they are usually the kind of person who I'd prefer to be on the exact opposite side of the continental United States. Just shut up and move there are stop talking to me about it. Keep your boring indie rock I can't even dance to, and your free-range organic artisanal cheeses and your fair-trade thrift store denim or whatever the hell all of that is as far away from me as possible and hop on your fixie and just go there.
People rag on Miami's sports fan culture. It's really because one of the Miami area's oldest sports rivalries involves the Miami Dolphins and New England Patriots. We've seen Boston fans up close. We decided, "Dear Lord, we can't care too much about sports, we don't want to become those people."
3. Washington, D.C.
D.C. keeps electing Marion Barry to political office, even after he was videotaped smoking crack cocaine. I mean, we've elected some whack politicians down here for sure, but even that makes us blush.
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You know why Seattle has such a thriving cultural scene? Because it's too busy raining to do anything outside. You know why Seattle has such a low crime rate? Because it's too busy raining outside to actually go steal stuff. You know why Seattle has such great coffee? Because it's too cold and rainy to drink anything else.
1. San Francisco
America's capital of liberal guilt! No one here is actually gay. They just decided they needed something to make them seem interesting in college so they went with it. No one here actually likes Nancy Pelosi. They just keep voting for her because they'd never dream of voting for a Republican. No one here actually like Rice-a-Roni. They just think it sounds like a healthier treat than french fries.