With the newfound revelation of a state law requiring tax-funded stadiums to house homeless citizens when not in use, just about everyone is thinking the same thing: "LOL WTF?"
Team owners have long striven to ignore this obscure law (when they're not tied up counting their white cotton sacs of money with green dollar sign logos and twirling their comically long mustaches, that is). But now that the cat is out of the bag, it seems as if the newly-created Grand Central Park won't have to worry about homeless dudes dropping deuces on its hallowed ground, because they'll be doing so at the American Airlines Arena. You know, the same place it costs $40 to watch Wade alley-oop to LeBron from the nosebleed sections. That's not even counting the sherpa's fee to get you there.
Stadiums and arenas seem like a dumb place to house the homeless for a lot of reasons. So at what other stupid-ass places can we have the homeless spend a few nights instead?
Like
the arenas, it's also a tax-funded building, and after 6 p.m., it becomes a
goddamn wasteland anyway. So why not let the homeless run amok in the courthouse?
Since it's Miami, we could also have MTV set up some cameras and create a
new reality show out of it. Something with an uncreative name, as is MTV's trademark, like Miami Hobos. This plan has the added benefit
of ensuring that any homeless person breaking a law in this tax-funded
building can be tried and prosecuted the very next morning. Then we can
move them into another tax-funded building: jail!
Why it's a terrible idea
We're pretty
sure it would be a bitch to have to roll out cots and blankets every
day, plus employing plenty of security to keep an eye on potential
damage/theft. Then there's the smell. Oh god, the smell.
Already
considered the holy grail of masturbatoriums by homeless citizens everywhere,
the library is a shelter dream come true. It's got plenty of porn access
entertainment, restrooms, and a quiet sleeping environment. And the best
part of all is it won't really disturb anyone, because who the hell
goes to the library anymore? Oh, a lot of people do? Well,
let's ignore that, because it interferes with our ability to make a
"hahaha, libraries are useless now that we have the Internet" argument.
Why it's a terrible idea
It would be a bitch to have to roll out cots and blankets every
day, plus have plenty of security keeping an eye on things for potential
damage/theft. Then there's the smell. Oh god, the smell. This sounds
eerily familiar.
Remember
the movie The Terminal with the lovable Tom Hanks? That dude was an
immigrant with a tenuous grasp on capitalism, and he still managed to
live, work, and play in an airport for months. He started with nothing
and came out on top, with shelter, artful expression, and all the Burger
King he could stomach. If this isn't
the American dream, then what is?
Why it's a terrible idea
As if
the homeless weren't suffering enough, this plan would mean having to get their prostate
fingered and blasted with radiation every morning by the TSA, which in our opinion ranks far
below not being shielded from the elements when trying to sleep.
I
know it sounds wild, but hear us out. Wouldn't it be an interesting
experiment if we built homeless shelters? Nothing special, mind you, just
buildings with space for four bunk beds in each room. We realize this seems like it's straight out of
some dystopian nightmare book of compassionate stories, but we really believe something this bizarre might just be crazy enough to work. Even crazier: What if we gave the homeless with starter jobs working at said homeless shelters, perhaps in food preparation? Or, y'know, we can leave them on the street and tell ourselves their
destitute life is entirely their fault, just so we can save a tenth of a
percent increase in our sales tax.
Why it's a terrible idea
Give
a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll
start a fishing company, lay off some of his employees during an
economic recession, and scoff at the downtrodden. Or something.
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