| Sports |

Heat Beat Celtics, Take No. 2. Seed

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Entering this season, the expectation for the Miami Heat was that they'd give the Boston Celtics a run for their money, and topple them as the best team in the Eastern Conference. But then the Celtics beat Miami three times, taking Suck to a whole other level. Expectations became so low that fans would accept the Heat players not shitting their pants something of a victory.

So, in yesterday's crucial 100-77 win over the C's with the number two seed on the line, the Heat not only didn't shit their pants, they completely dominated Boston, handing the Celtics their worst loss of the season. WE'RE NUMBER TWO!

The game didn't start off too hot for Miami. Boston jumped out to an early 11-2 lead and Chris Bosh got into foul trouble, forcing Erik Spoelstra to wake Juwan Howard up and throw him in to eat up some clock. This is always a terrible idea.

But Miami eventually found its mojo and, in an effort to end the relentless ass-beatings at the hands of the Celtics, turned up the intensity.

LeBron James, in particular, seemed to remember that he's the best player in the world and proceeded to pound Boston's dicks into the ground with smothering defense, jump shots and laser-like passes. Lebron scored 27 points to go along with his 5 rebounds and 7 assists while Dwyane Wade scored 14 and Chris Bosh added 13 with 8 rebounds. Miami's bench decided to stop blowing goats and outscored Boston's bench 32-12, while the defense stymied sharpshooter Ray Allen, saving us all from shots of his mom cheering in the stands.

Mario Chalmers contributed in a big way, scoring 9 points off the bench and playing some solid defense while Joel Anthony came out and played some serious Wardenball. Anthony nearly out-rebounded the entire Celtics team in the first half, grabbing 8 boards to their 10. The Warden would eventually finish with 10 rebounds and 7 points. The Warden can totally kick your dad's ass.

Of course, being that this is Heat-Celtics, and being that the Celtics like to employ their patented style of Doucheball, things got a little chippy. With LeBron bashing Celtic ass left and right, Boston center Jermaine O'Neal decided that the only way to stop James is to simply ram a shoulder into his sternum. This strategy not only did not work, it got James and the Heat even more fired up. O'Neal was tagged with a fragrant-1 foul while LeBron earned a technical for throwing the ball at O'Neal. There was a scrum. Words were exchanged. And people said impolite things about each other's mothers.

The Heat eventually took a seven-point lead into half time and turned it into a 22-point lead in the second half. But because douche is hard to kill, the C's tried to mount a comeback late in the fourth with a 12-0 run that cut Miami's lead down to 10. But Mike Bibby and Chris Bosh put a stop to that with five straight points to give the Heat the big lead for good.

It's always a big win when you can hand the Celtics their worst loss of the season. Even bigger when you can silence Celtics fans ("Weah still tha team tah beat! Kevin Gahnett has moah haht than youah entiah team! Rajaaan Raaando will nawt be denied foevah! Go Sawx!")

The win means the Heat now have sole possession of the number two seed. But, as Chris Bosh reminded the media afterwards, they need to take care of Atlanta and Toronto to lock it up.

"This is cool and all," Bosh said, "but we still have two more games."

Jeez what a buzz kill that Bosh is. Thanks a lot, jerk!

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.