We're all sexual beings. But we're not always lucky enough to have another sexual being with us when the moment strikes. Thankfully, we're handily equipped to take care of business.
Everybody faps. And if someone says they don't diddle themselves at night, they're liars. It's part of the human condition to touch our junk when no one is looking. Maybe, uh, even when people are looking.
So, in honor of the personal pleasure principle, here are Crossfade's favorite odes to loving oneself. Now get your hands out of your pants and press play.
10. Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself"
This jam isn't exactly explicit. But what do you think Mr. Idol does once he gets home from the lonely club? He's got nothing to lose and nothing to prove, so he probably takes his one-man dance home and sweats it out alone.
9. The Divinyls' "I Touch Myself"
Taking it a step further and spelling it out for us, there are The Divinyls and singer Christina Amphlett. Ain't no shame in this girl's game. She's got it bad for someone, and the only thing left to do is touch herself. We understand. But seriously, lady, variety is the spice of life. Your man won't mind if you occasionally think about someone else. Damn.
8. Clarence Carter's "Strokin'"
Alright, this song is magic. And it raises some important questions: Have you ever made love before breakfast? Have you ever made love in the back seat of a car? Clarence Carter has done it all. He's a fiend! He strokes it to the east! He strokes it to the west! Hopefully, he's got some clean napkins.
7. Tweet's "Oops (Oh My)"
Tweet is a dirty girl when she's wasted. Get a few drinks in her and she's taking off her shirt, dropping her skirt, and getting so deep into her own fantasies that she doesn't even know what's going on. But she's a big girl, we're sure she can take care of herself. Oh, shit ... Even right there on the dancefloor.
6. The Vapors' "Turning Japanese"
Kids in the '80s really knew what was up. This song playfully pays homage to the O-face. Y'know, that moment when you lose all control of bodily function and squint your eyes really hard and scream out and whatever. Maybe this song's a little racist, but it sure feels good.
5. Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop"
Another classic example of '80s masturbating. Cyndi Lauper kills the track and beats her own pussy up. What's not to love about a freaky girl letting it all hang out? She can't stop messing with her danger zone, and we don't want her to.
4. The Who's "Pictures of Lily"
Wouldn't you know it? The guys in The Who are fappers too! This jam really captures the awkward sexual confusion of puberty and the joy that comes with discovering yourself. Good thing Roger Daltrey's dad was so progressive. Our parents never gave us any masturbation material.
3. Buzzcocks' "Orgasm Addict"
Punk rockers are full of spunk, and this Buzzcocks' song fucking rides. It's high-tempo! It's high-energy! It's just like masturbating! But seriously, who isn't an orgasm addict? Those prudes aren't having as much fun as us.
2. Violent Femmes' "Blister in the Sun"
The Femmes penned this classic about rubbin' one out in '83, and it's still universally adored. People just can't get enough of this strutting guitar line, much like they can't get enough of themselves.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Billy Squire's "The Stroke"
OK, upon close inspection of the lyrics, this song might not be exclusively about masturbation. But it still counts ... Because when you hear that superprovocative title, there's really only one thing that comes to mind. And Billy's package is too hot to ignore in this video. We'd sooo let Mr. Squire show us how to "The Stroke" in public.