"Modern neon hippy," "kooky candy raver," and "almost naked" seemed to be the looks du jour aboard HARD's Holy Ship! electronic music cruise.
On Monday, the three-day rager landed ashore in South Florida, a ship of fools with sea-legs and hangovers. The sea-faring musicians included Fatboy Silm, Diplo, A-Trak, DJ Craze, Laidback Luke, and a slew of others whose music causes dorky white people to do amphetamines and dance.
Lucky for those of us who stayed on the mainland, New Times photographer Ian Witlen returned with evidence of the affair. And just wait till you see some of these poolside and beach party ensembles. Like Crossfade, you won't be able to stop scream-laughing, "Holy Ship!"
These two ladies spent the whole cruise posing and showing their tatas. Well, at least according to the photos we saw... Why work out all year and then not show your shit off when you get to the tropics? Girls, we salute your indecent exposure. Tan those titties! The guy in the middle also salutes you, but in a less wholesome way. "Freaking A!" is right. We can only hope he tie-dyed the crotch of those shorts himself.
Why not throw on an ascot while bare-chested? Do tattoos count as clothing? These are questions best answered by this holy shipper. Rule for next year: Don't wear all black when you're on a boat in the middle of the ocean. It's just not right and your naked parts will burn.
You might remember when you were in elementary school and all your friends came home from cruises with island-style braided hair. Their heads looked to be screaming in pain and their scalps itched. But they had real evidence of a fun, sunny vacation.
You looked down on them, clutching your South of the Border mug, filled with self-righteousness. Corn rows on non-Caribbeans are just not cute. These DJs disagree, though, and A-Trak took some time to braid Steve Aoki's locks. It seems a friendly gesture, though friends shouldn't let friends braid their hair on a cruise.
There were many gorilla masks on Holy Ship! These two porcine pervs took dressing up with hidden faces to the next level with their piggy faces. What truly boggles the mind is how he's drinking that beer. Hopefully, there's a straw in there. Though you might save money on sunscreen, masks at the beach seem like a recipe for a nasty rash.
This red-hot mama gets an A for creativity. It's hard not to love an outfit that places plastic doll faces on one's breasts. Spandex in the sand seems uncomfortable, but there are some sacrifices worth making for fashion. Lose the fanny pack and swimmer's cap and you've got something really fun there.
See, here's one of those gorillas. Why, God, why? And it's wearing sunglasses. The real question: Is that a banana costume? Or a no. 2 pencil outfit? Take it off and enjoy the gifts of Mother Nature.
Here's a candy raver look we can work with. It's chilly at night on the sea. So why not put on Shetland pony leg warners? A little Rainbow Bright, a little cosplay, not totally horrible.
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God, it's us again, asking about fashion. Can we have the animal hat trend thing die already? They were cute for twenty seconds. But now we can't stop questioning the purpose of all that fake fur hanging off someone's head.
Ay, que cute! A simple outfit ... Her hair and Toms match, and then pairing the pea green knit hat with the red hair. We love it. Keep this coming.
Never, never, never wear the same thing as your boyfriend or gay best friend. It's just wrong.