February 14, 2011 | 8:30am
Happy freaking Valentine's day! You're single, miserable and over it with your lonely life, but don't start mixing the strychnine in your cocktail
Stop and smell the other lonely people around you! Enjoy the day, not as a happy time, but as a time to openly wallow and listen to really weepy music. There's so much enjoyment in sharing dark days like these with friends, eating, singing, or sexing your way out of the sadness. We've thought of five fairly good reasons why you should not off yourself on February 14. If no one else loves you today, we do, sort of.
5. It's the one day you're allowed to feel like shit and people can't try to force you to "cheer up."
There is nothing more annoying (besides unwanted hugs) than people trying to tell you how to feel. You're allowed to have feelings that aren't all happy. You're a complex individual! On Valentine's day, when someone tells you to smile, or something equally as disrespectful, you have full permission to guilt them with tears or spit in their face. Enjoy your misery.
The absolute best way to blow off some steam (other than #1 below) is to sing about how you feel in front of a room of extremely intoxicated strangers. Belt out a really angry rendition of Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know" and think about your ex and then think about Dave Coulier (he should be reason #6 on this list). Singing is great for the soul. On Valentine's Day, when you weep real tears on that stage while mumbling the words to Patsy Cline's "Crazy," everyone will relate.
3. Lonely friends that are worse off than you.
We know you're a sad bastard, but every one of us has a friend that's even more pathetic than we are. We're also that friend to someone else. However, since this list is about why not to knock yourself off, let's focus on you being the more stable buddy. Take your friend out and actually listen to their problems, don't just nod and think about your next pedicure (bitch). Now, sit back and feel good about yourself for being such a "good" friend.
2. Eating chocolate
Chocoholics are a strange group. There's no need to consume that much of any one thing, except mixed greens or booze
. However, on this day of lovers, you are alone, and chocolate will improve your mood
. Skip the Walgreens garbage and hit up the Whole Foods. The ones with 90 million percent cocoa are healthy-ish, too. Science
will tell your depressed ass that you're gonna want to eat it either way, so munch heavily and check your teeth for chocolate stains before you go out and get drunk.
1. It's the day on which it's easiest to get laid
We're not going to get too deep into this one since we've already written up a few surefire suggestions
for single ladies on getting some booty action on Valentine's Day. We will say this, though, after you've eaten that chocolate, enjoyed a few cocktails
, sang some sad songs, cried, and listen to your friends cry, you may not have the energy to have sex with a creepy stranger. So, even if you wake up alone on February 15, you'll have one less regret-filled reason to not kill yourself.
Have a happy Valentine's day, sad folks!