Sports

Terrible Dolphins Season Keeps Getting Worse With Gut-Punch Loss to Colts

Just when you thought the Miami Dolphins couldn't possibly hurt you any further, they ended Sunday's game in such an embarrassing fashion that fans felt like someone Superman-punched them in the gut. Down six with just 27 seconds left, the Dolphins found themselves faced with fourth and goal with just five yards separating them from their sixth win of the... annnnnnd they lost. 

Just like that, the Dolphins unlocked a new, never-before-seen level of Dolphins you didn't know existed. It's like the time you unlocked those players in NBA Jam as a kid. Except that made you really happy, and this made you really want to rip a palm tree out of the ground and ride it down University Drive like a horsey.
Backup-emergency-holy-crap-I-guess-I'll-do-it-but-this-is-gonna-be-bad center Jamil Douglas' apparent reaction to being startled by Ryan Tannehill's hard cadence is to snap the ball and hope for the best. The rest of the Miami Dolphins found out about Douglas's snap-fu roughly three seconds too late, at which point Tannehill was already being mauled by Indianapolis Colts defenders like a scene from The Walking Dead

It's not your fault, Mr. Douglas — the Miami Dolphins drafted you, and Dolphins Law states you must now lose all voluntary control of your motor skills and eventually retire from the league after a few cups of coffee with some other bad teams, and a short but successful stint with the Patriots. Soon after, you will buy a Pei Wei in Pembroke Pines and appear on one of the local radio stations from time to time.

What just happened? I blacked out. 

This is the worst Miami Dolphins season ever. It's officially beaten me mentally. 
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.