Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 5: On The Brink

​After the giant mound of ostrich shit that was LeBron James' 8-point performance from Game 4, he called Game 5 the biggest of his career. The world then waited for LeBron to come out in Game 5 and serve the Mavericks a can filled with ass whoopin'. Instead, Heat fans got served a can filled with some old lady's diarrhea.

The Mavericks offense absolutely blew up, won the game 112-103 and are now a win away from having America hold the world's largest circle jerk party to celebrate their unified irrational hatred for a professional basketball team.

James called Game 5 "the now or never" game. A better description would probably be "the ass taco" game thanks mainly to his once again disappearing in the fourth quarter. And now D-Wade will be playing the remainder of the series with a bum hip. Ass tacos for everyone! Weeeeeee!!!

Other observations from the fuckhole of a Game 5:

- Only two trips to the free throw line all night, and yet another fourth quarter shitfest (1-for-4) from LeBron. Those pointing out his 17 points, 10 rebound, 10 assist stat line can blow their triple-double talk out their assholes.

- An Eddie House appearance? It's official. James Jones was mauled by a cougar.

- I passed out and woke up moaning in a ditch just after Dwyane Wade went down with that hip injury and disappeared into the locker room with the entire Heat medical staff.

- The back of Jason Kidd's head looks like a pig's vagina.

- Even with a blowed up hip, D-Wade still managed to drop 23 points on 6-of-12 shooting. That's just flat out awesomeness combined with pure badassery.

- Dallas shot 66 percent from the field in the first half, and 68 percent from three point range for the game (13-of-19). This kind of performance was expected from the Mavs sometime this series. Which is further proof that those Game 2 and Game 4 fourth quarter meltdowns by the Heat are the sudden finger in our collective asshole.

- Upon further review, head-referee Joey Crawford blew a major call when he whistled LeBron for charging on Tyson Chandler with 2:28 remaining in the game. The correct call would have given LeBron the and-1 and a potential three-point play. Instead, the ball went to the Mavs, and they won the game thanks mostly to that horrendous call. Joey Crawford needs to be harpooned in the dick.

- The Heat seemed to find its offensive rhythm when it started executing pick and rolls in the fourth quarter. Then they reverted back to their usual "hero shot" bullshit where they heave shots from 25 feet away instead of driving it to the basket. Shit has done them in time and time again in this series.

- Fuck Jason Terry in the chaps with a curling iron.

- J.J. Barea went 4-for-5 from three-point range, scoring 17 on the night. What a little asshole.

- Again, Heat "fan." If you're going to fork over half a grand for lower bowl seats for Game 6, have the common fucking courtesy to shout and cheer and make noise. No one gives a good fuck that you're two seats away from Lil Wayne. Cheer, Goddamit. Or give your seats up to the real fans who have to suffer the scorn from the likes of that shithole Charles Barkely, who calls Miami the worst fans, thanks to you. It's not a party. It's a basketball game. Act accordingly, or crash your gold plated hovercraft and die in a fire.

- It's literally easier for you to shit a diamond out of your dick than to get a good game from Mike Bibby at this point. So why is he still starting? Why not start Mario Chalmers and bring Bibby in off the bench? That's right. Bibby's game has gotten so atrocious, we're begging for Mario Chalmers. Holy fucknuggets.

- So now the Heat travel back to Miami down 3-2. Teams down 3-2 in the NBA Finals with last 2 games at home are 3-4. The 1988 Lakers, 1994 Rockets, and 2010 Lakers all did what the Heat will now have to do to be champs.

Must-win Game 6 is in Miami on Sunday at the American Airlines Arena. Tip-off is at 8 p.m.

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Chris Joseph