There was a dude at the Miami Internatonal Airport who was caught with a bag of pink snakes in his pants. And who can forget when that guy went viral for karate-chopping off someone's car mirror in downtown Miami?
These quintessential 305 headlines — many of which, as we've observed over the years, involve recurring themes of scandal, absurdity, opulence, crypto, cocaine, or, on rare occasions, a combination of at least two of these things (see No. 7) — are part of what makes us who we are for better or for worse.
In no particular order, here's a list of the ten most Miami stories New Times covered in 2024:
1. "Of Course Both Super Bowl LVIII Streakers Are From Miami," by Naomi Feinstein
The two shirtless fans who rushed the Allegiant Stadium field during the Super Bowl LVIII matchup between the San Francisco 49ers and the Kansas City Chiefs were (unsurprisingly) from Miami.
Alex Gonzalez, 23, and Sebastian Rivera, 22, were jailed on charges of prohibited conduct at an athletic event. Gonzalez, a day trader, often posted videos of himself on social media "living a life of luxury, puffing on cigars and posing alongside exotic cars with the Miami skyline as a backdrop."
Yep...he's ours.
2. "Miami Billionaires Are Gentrifying Millionaires Out of Indian Creek," by Alex DeLuca
The tiny, exclusive island community of Indian Creek Village was reported to be experiencing "its own version of gentrification," with billionaires displacing the neighborhood's millionaires, according to a January 2024 Bloomberg report.
Real estate broker Dina Goldentayer, who was previously involved in several of the island's sales, told Bloomberg that prices for homes renovated to the "standards" of Indian Creek billionaires could soon start at $100 million(!)
3. "Cop Who Cuffed Tyreek Hill Is a Motorcycle Club Member and a DJ," by Naomi Feinstein
Danny Torres, the Miami-Dade Police Department officer who pulled Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill from his car and pinned him facedown on the pavement in a highly controversial incident earlier this year, also moonlights as a DJ under the name DJ DNO.
Photos on his social media show he has performed as a DJ for the police department.
4. "The Bill Baggs Boner: Mystery Penis Etched in Key Biscayne Sand," by Zulekha Pitts
Online sleuths discovered a giant penis etched into the sand at Bill Baggs Cape Florida State Park on Key Biscayne.
A Reddit user posted a photo of satellite imagery that showed a mysterious (and unmistakable) design etched into an equally large patch of sand in the state park.
5. "Coppin' Luxury: Miami Beach Unveils Rolls-Royce Police Car," by Naomi Feinstein
Sure, it might be a difficult time to recruit and retain police officers. But has your police department tried flaunting a Rolls-Royce?
In May, the Miami Beach Police Department unveiled a new Rolls-Royce police car to help with recruitment efforts. The department said the car (which it later clarified was the property of Braman Motors) would serve as a promotional vehicle for its recruitment team.
6. "Just Snort It: Divers Find 25 Kilos of 'Nike'-Branded Cocaine Off Florida Keys," by Naomi Feinstein
In June, divers found what they thought was trash while swimming near Key Largo. It turned out to be cocaine bricks floating in the water.
The drugs, which totaled 25 kilograms in weight, were wrapped in plastic that prominently featured the Nike Skateboarding logo.
7. "Miami Real Estate Mogul, Scientologist Lists $42M Mansion on Cryptocurrency Platform," by Alex DeLuca
Miami real estate investor, influencer, and Scientologist Grant Cardone bought the home from fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger in 2021.
Photo by Elad Elkoubi/Swift Pics Photography
8. "Person Cartoonishly Envelops Self in Luggage Wrap at Miami Airport," by Naomi Feinstein
In what was probably just one of many odd sights at the airport that day, a man was spotted standing at the LATAM Airlines check-in counter at the Miami International Airport while enveloped head-to-toe in luggage plastic wrap.
As seen in video posted on social media, he then proceeded to hop onto the luggage scale. Naturally.
9. "Welcome to Miami, Where You Can Rent a 'BBL Chair' for $20 a Day," by Alex DeLuca
This BBL chair (which was conveniently located near Miami International Airport) was listed on Facebook Marketplace for just $20 a day.
Screenshots via Facebook
Conveniently located near Miami International Airport, the chair was advertised for just $20 a day.
10."Miami Family Operates 'Capsule' Hotel Out of an Apartment and...Wow," by Naomi Feinstein
Vlogger and traveler Ellis Rayson documented his experience staying at the $35-a-night "Miami Capsule" — which turned out to be a sleep pod inside a family's apartment in Allapattah. Among other oddities Rayson encountered upon his arrival, he was greeted and checked in by a small child, who he paid in cash.
