The Bill Baggs Boner: Mystery Penis Etched in Key Biscayne Sand

Move over, crop circles and Stonehenge in Britain. Take a backseat, Nazca Lines in Peru. And word to the ancient moose in Russia's Ural Mountains: Step aside.

A certain pecker in Key Biscayne would like a wood, er, word.

The other day, a Reddit user zeroed in on satellite imagery that exposed the unmistakable shape of the male genitalia — complete with crudely rendered testicles that would make a fourth-grade graffiti artist proud — etched into a sizable but isolated patch of sand in Bill Baggs Cape Florida State Park on Key Biscayne.

"Does anyone know what it is? I can only find this on ArcGIS Online," wrote u/Lalosaulnacho. "The outline is far more vague on GE."

Revelation of the member rendering — visible in all its not-inconsiderable glory on ArcGIS when the Firefly Imagery Hybrid basemap is selected (see above screenshot) — ignited curiosity and hilarity in equal measure on social media.

It first popped up on r/GoogleEarthFinds. Top comment, from a Monty Python fan, no doubt: "Made by the Biggus Dickus tribe. They were expelled Aztecs who were thrown out due to them acting immature."

Soon after, local redditor u/KPZ605 dragged it over to r/Miami to shitpost, "OK which one of you did it?"

Let's state the obvious for our readers in the back row: If a giant penis sand carving exposes itself in a state park located in an urban metropolis, it's a fair bet that said metropolis will be Miami.

Ok which one of you did it?
byu/KPZ605 inMiami

The Reddit peanut gallery did not fail to weigh in with gusto. The comments thread is filled with a mix of clever one-liners, Miami-centric quips, and outright disbelief.

One user attributed the work to "Captain Long Dong Silver," while another pinned blame on "Dong Johnson."

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byu/KPZ605 from discussion
inMiami

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inMiami

Other highlights include speculation about the artist's Miami-specific inspiration.

"Dick move," ventured one, to which a comrade retorted, "True, but this place loved big dick energy." Surmised another: "New Banksy just dropped."

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byu/KPZ605 from discussion
inMiami

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byu/KPZ605 from discussion
inMiami

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byu/KPZ605 from discussion
inMiami

Theories about whether this was a prank of epic proportions or an accidental masterpiece were also batted around.

"T'was me 😔 I have a problem," one troubled soul confessed.

Another asserted, "Don't know when this video was done, but that image was washed clean during one of the heavy storms a while ago."

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byu/KPZ605 from discussion
inMiami

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byu/KPZ605 from discussion
inMiami

That last confident claim was enough to rouse us from our social-media stupor to seek clarity.

The satellite image from ArcGIS atop this story is undated, but a Google Earth image dated 12/14/2015–11/8/2017 is quite clearly phallus-free, while a Google Maps shot timestamped 2024 finds our penis in fine form — if a tad the worse for wear.

The Google Maps shot also contains a handy scale, which indicates that the Great Miami Manhood is a good 100 feet long.
So, we placed a phone call to Bill Baggs State Park in search of more definitive data.

Park ranger Michael Calvert, though no doubt an upstanding citizen, proved to be of little help, sad to say, offering only stated that he was "not at liberty to answer any questions" about the Miami Sand Pecker.

Instead, he directed us to Friends of Cape Florida administrative assistant Dominique Llopiz at the main office. For reasons we cannot fathom, she did not immediately return our call. (Nor had she called back by the following day.)

As we await further clarification, suffice to say we may safely surmise that the Bill Baggs Boner was erected at some point in time after December 14, 2015, and remained standing until at least January 1, 2024.

Stay tuned, Miami, and stay weird. 👽