Ever since the Beat Generation, youth culture in America has been a vibrant and rebellious driving force.
The Beats had risky views on race relations, jazz, and pot. The hippies had psychedelic drugs, sit-ins, and protest songs. Punks had mosh pits, spitting in each other's faces, and rivet jackets. Hip-hoppers had gold chains, breakdancing, and guns.
And what is there today? Ravers and EDM dominate American youth culture, and we're probably the wimpiest generation ever.
It ain't easy being hard when you're rolling face, hugging a Care Bear.
Sorry, bro. Fist pumping is not cool and manly. Punching a wall because that drop was so hard? That would be kinda cool. Thrusting your jazz-hand skyward to the infectious, spunky beat? Wimpy. Not to mention, bros are inherently wimpy. A buff dude in a neon muscle tank with big pupils is one of the lamest things you could ever be. Sorry we're not sorry.
Of course, maybe bros wouldn't be moved to such wimpy moves if the music was a little less cheesy. What's with the brogressive house movement? Why does it all have to sound like Jesus came back on a Technicolor spaceship to rain roses over the club? It's really not that epic, yo. It's really all about the same.
Cheesy Vocals About Love
And topping off this audible mountain of awful is always some generic, throwaway vocal track by some girl no one will ever give two shits about, whisper-singing the same vague bullshit we called "poetry" in the 7th grade. Not only is it obnoxiously formulaic, it's soulless and canned. It's like lyrical Spam.
Did you kill your cat, dye it, shave it, and decide you would honor the corpse by sticking it to your shins? No, because that would actually make you a hard-ass psychopath. What you did do was waste $40 on the dumbest accessory known to man, then actually leave your house looking like you've got an animal fetish. Shit is not cute, girls. Grow the fuck up.
Speaking of growing up, you have a child's soother in your mouth. Are you surprised security groped you inappropriately? You might as well write "drug user" on your forehead. Why can't you just settle for gum like a normal person? Would you let your baby brother see you like this? Seriously, here is a mirror. Wallow in shame.
When rappers drink codeine syrup and soda, it makes them lean and look like gangstas. When there are two Vicks Inhalers shoved into your nostrils, you just look like you suffered serious cranial damage as a child, and your mom didn't love you enough to take you to a doctor. Your stupid mask doesn't look cool, either. You're not a ninja turtle, because ninja turtles can beat people up. You're happy beating yourself up with these over-the-counter brain neutralizers.
Druggie Love Declarations
By the end of the night, all this love-drug, furry boot, inhaler nonsense has warped your brain to such an extent, you now feel a closeness with others that won't last until morning. Your friend's shitty boyfriend? You love him. That stranger you just met? You love him. That gum on the floor? It's so beautiful. Really speaks about our broken homes and ruined childhoods. No, your socially hip drug habit does. Tell Molly to take a weekend off once in a while.
Not to mention, this is a top-down kind of situation. Even the heroes of the scene hate themselves and cry about it. Deadmau5 is always mouthing off about something way too publicly. Guess what, bro. No one voted you in as a moral guide for the EDM generation. You don't speak for the movement. You just make OK trance that even you claim "all sounds the same." Take your serious face down ten notches. And stop posting Facebook pics of your girlfriend and your cat.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
But at least Deadmau5's rise to fame was genuine. There's a new trend where DJs, record labels, blogs, and promotional companies are going around actually paying companies in Mexico and wherever else to help them make friends on the Internet. Sometimes, cheating can be hard, but this is just wimpy because it's so totally obvious. Sorry, there's no way you're most popular in Venezuela if you're based in a college town. You're a wimp, and you know it.
Of course, technology is a big part of the scene. Technology is actually really awesome, but EDM-ers find a way to mess all that up too. DJing used to be hard, it used to be for people who learned something. Now, any bro with a laptop can do it. The controversial "sync button" takes beat-matching, the most basic of DJ talents, out of the equation. Inherently, this isn't so wimpy, because it's supposed to free you up to do more intricate and impressive things. But most people are wimpy and use it as a crutch to deliver unenergetic, non-experimental sets. Shame on you.