See also the full 32-photo slideshow from Rick Ross's God Forgives, I Don't Release Party at King of Diamonds.
Question: On a scale from Rick to Ross, just how ridiculously baller was the God Forgives, I Don't album release party at King of Diamonds last night?
Answer: Rick Ross.
While you were waking up early for your Sunday morning paper route, Crossfade was ballin' at the number one urban gentleman's club in the world, where self-made dope boys and entrepreneurs swam through a sea of gaspingly beautiful women like Scrooge McDuck through his gold coins.
You had to watch yourself every time you sat down; the air was so thick with that OG kush that even the furniture had the munchies. Rescue workers are still looking for missing ballers under drifts of dollar bills piled higher than a Bugatti.
The women of King of Diamonds have much to teach us. For example, wow. Also, oogedy boogedy ga-oooo-gah.
The most likely things to be on a KOD girl's bottom: eyes, tattoos, sweaty dollar bills. On ours: a broken Frito embedded in the flesh. While we do have an old shoelace we can try to wear as a dress, we just might not have what it takes to be KOD material.
This is our new friend, China Da Ass. While she did let us balance a can of Crush orange soda on her backside, we never did get around to finding out how she got that name. Her parents must have really liked the Far East or fancy plates.
Stoners sometimes wonder if our entire universe exists under the fingernail of a giant. Scientists know that our entire universe is contained within the ass of China Da Ass. While that looks like a hallway behind her, that's still more of her ass. Look down at your hands. Wiggle your fingers. They are part of her ass. Once people realize that we are all part of China Da Ass's ass, there will be no more wars. Come on, guys ... We're all in this ass together.
This is the beautiful Liz, who runs KOD. She told us that there were "at least 3,000" people at the club last night. We highly recommend making this strong, intelligent woman your best friend. We're not sure how to do it, but sucking up to her on the New Times website is hopefully a good start.
These are the folks that brought Rick Ross to KOD. From right to left are LT and Dave from TruStory Entertainment, and Alex from Playlist Promotions. That's hostess Honeys Money on the far left.
No idea what LT's got in his backpack. Maybe an iced-out Trapper Keeper and Capri Sun pouch? The dude's toilet paper is probably encrusted in diamonds.
OK, back to asses. The only downside to staring at this many asses is that you run the risk of vision problems. Stare at too many and they might go all blurry on you. And if that happens, it will seriously get in the way of staring at more asses. You can't have a pit bull in Miami-Dade. But no one is putting a warning label on these things?
Later on, in between "Ima Boss" and "BMF," Rick Ross said: "I want to make this motherfuckin' clear for all you young niggas who make money, the entrepreneurs in the game. Nothing I want to see more than young niggas unite, and make money. To take over and keep it. Ain't no hate in Dade County. We been waiting too long to get crumbs."
In that spirit of unity, after seeing this young woman make it all the way to the bar to buy a Diet Coke only to realize that she left her wallet at home, we happily loaned her a dollar.
Within this photo are the perfect ensembles for any occasion. From left to right, we have Weekend Day-to-Night, Job Interview, Meeting the Parents, First Date, Black Tie, Garden Casual.
Women of the world: Save your money and some trees by canceling your subscriptions to Vogue and Redbook. No one cares how to get the perfect smokey look on your eyes or this season's hottest new cargo capris. Save this picture to your smartphone and do this, and only this.
Warning: Those prone to seizures should not stare directly at this ass. See, that's the kind of warning that should be on asses. No one listens to us. The guy behind her took one look at that thing and evaporated.
Our club soda with lime did not come with sparklers strapped to it. So we had to order a couple bottles of Cîroc. That's not true. But we did swipe a couple packages of these things from the service bar last night and started today by pretending our bowl of multigrain Puffins cereal cost $800.
Here's Dave from TruStory Entertainment again. He only got started in music management and promoting after getting out of prison a few years ago. Last night, in addition to KOD staff, he had over 100 people working for him.
He told us, "We're calling the shots tonight. Not long ago, I was on the prison yard, smoking cigarettes. Now I have people asking me if they can take a smoke break. It's a crazy story, but it's a true story. Movies are for actors and this is for real."
By the way, Dave's really big, which means his security guy Orlando (on the left) is immense. It was always easy to find Dave. You just had to follow the doorways with the chunks taken out of the top in the shape of Orlando's head.
Here two rare book lovers compare their first edition Ezra Pounds. This is a gentleman's club, after all.
Old farts say that smartphones encourage our young people to become exhibitionists who overshare the intimate details of their lives. Here is a perfect rebuttal, in which technology plays a key role in preserving modesty. And yes, it was set to vibrate. Shit gets real loud in the club.
Before Ross took the stage, TruStory recording artist Young Scrilla did a set. He had a full light show and really hot backup dancers. Scrilla's a local boy made good, who's been grinding through the South Florida rap scene for years. He's got two big singles getting airplay, "AC Slater" and "Numbers Don't Lie" featuring Future. They're out in advance of the mixtape he'll be releasing later this month.
We know Rick Ross watched Scrilla's set from his VIP balcony. So it seems he was talking about Scrilla when he said, "I hear a lot of good shit coming out of the streets and I'm coming for you." Later, Scrilla told us that Ross said his show was "great." We say it was "really great." So there, Rick Ross.
Can I get a Rozaaaaaay? Sure, here's one. It's the Bawse! In this photo, he counts the exact number of seconds we were allowed in his VIP section before getting tossed out. It felt like we were there for longer, but he's the one who's got eight different Rollies and they all mint condition. We just use the clock on our Metro PCS flip phone.
By the way, does Ross have the name of his favorite Warwick Davis fantasy movie, Willow, tattooed on his right forearm? We don't think he's got any songs about throwing acorns at people, but we still haven't heard all his tracks off the new DJ Khaled album.
As Ross performed, the dancers stayed spinning 'round the poles. Some of them did shocking things which we dare not describe, given that this is a family-oriented NSFW blog post. But suffice to say, even Rozay saw some things that he'd thought were impossible before last night.
Ross had DJ Khaled and Omarion on stage with him, as well as a ton of dudes in #GFID shirts. It was a pretty high-energy set, best measured not in songs but the number of face towels Ross used to wipe his Bawse-ly brow. We counted seven. Although, he also disappeared from the stage for about a minute and could have used many more towels in that time.
Even so, here was Rozay's setlist:
-"Hold Me Back"
-"911"
-"Ima Boss"
-"BMF"
-"Yella Diamonds"
-"So Sophisticated"
-"Ice Cold" (feat. Omarion)
-"Pirates"
-"Take It to the Head" (feat. DJ Khaled)
-"I Wish You Would" (feat. DJ Khaled)
-"All Birds"
-"Bag of Money"
-"King of Diamonds"
-"Holy Ghost"
-"Rich Forever"
-"9 Piece"
-"Fuck Em"
-"John Doe"
-"Shot Caller"
-"I'm On One"
-"I'm Not a Star"
-"Hold Me Back" (for a second time)
One last note: We're always trying to stay ahead of trends for you. And it looks like Ross is declaring the days of "making it rain" to be over. While any slob who brings enough Mr. Pibbs cans back for the deposit can cause a drizzle, true Bawses are doing something different.
Ross would stand over the dancers while holding a thick stack of bills. Then he'd calmly push his thumb across the top until one bill at a time would flutter down upon the roiling sea of naked asses below him.
It was more like a steady drip than a full-on rainstorm. But being an all-around Bawse means being a Bawse of geology, too. And Ross undoubtedly knows that the unique majesty of the Grand Canyon was not created by downpour, but slow steady erosion.
True ballers don't make it rain. True ballers terraform.
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