Sex Toy Tips for the Novice Masturbator

Sex, love, relationship advice from a professional dominatrix. Got questions, drop an e-mail to askadomme@miaminewtimes.com, you naughty boys and girls. Read more about Mistress Lera at Notes From a Miami Dominatrix.

I've been in a committed long-term relationship with a guy who's like a corpse in the sack. He's absolutely useless. I'm no sex goddess myself. But, like any woman, being sexually satisfied in bed is a top priority for me. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings, so I was thinking of using sex toys to get off. I feel weird about it because I've never used sex toys, and I've never even masturbated. So, my question is, how do I start using sex toys and which ones are the best?


Sex Toy Virgin

Dear Sex Toy Virgin,

You are making the right choice by choosing masturbation over your boyfriend. Like one of my all-time favorite hedonists, Oscar Wilde, said: "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." I hate to sound like some deranged feminist, but you don't need a man to pleasure you. Do it yourself. By exploring your body, you will learn what pleases you the most in the sack. Oh, and please don't feel guilty about masturbating. Onanism has existed since the dawn of human civilization. In fact, Ancient Egyptians believed that the world was created when the gods decided it was time for a wank.

So, if you ever decide to get cuddly with your cunt, here is a quick list of wonderful toys that will make girl-time more pleasurable:

Hitachi Magic Wand: Many women refer to the Hitachi Magic Wand as the Lamborghini of vibrators. It was originally designed for muscle massage, but quickly became one of the most popular sex toys for women. It has a soft, round massage head with two vibration speeds: 5,000 and 6,000 rpm. One of the greatest things about the Magic Wand is that you will never ever have to worry about replacing batteries, because it has a six foot power cord. One warning: If you use this big buzzer for more than 15 minutes, you will get a serious friction burn on your clitoris. And trust me, girl, that shit hurts like hell.

Lelo Lily: This petite beauty is a stylish clitoris massager no bigger than your car keys. It fits perfectly in the palm of your hand. With its five different modes of stimulation, Lelo Lily will send your clit into a total trance. Moreover, unlike the noisy Hitachi Magic Wand, it's so silent you can use it at work. Just stuff this Lily down your panties at lunch and enjoy the rest of your work day.

Plain Ol' Dildo (AKA the Dong): You gotta love this founding father of all sex toys. Dongs come in all different shapes and sizes, and they're great for vaginal stimulation. You can also double up, using a dildo and a clitoral vibrator for simultaneous satisfaction.

Boy Toy: You can get this one at any nightclub or bar. Just like dildos, boy toys come in all shapes and sizes. The advantages of having a boy toy is that you don't have to recharge him, change his batteries, and clean him after use. And the boy toy might even buy you drinks.

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