Truthfully, I’ve always been quietly grateful that mainstream society puts pressure on guys to make the first move (I had a crush on my boyfriend for years before he showed any interest, but I was embarrassingly terrified to approach him myself). Still, it wasn’t until an online pickup artist secretly filmed me that I understood just how nervous and scared of rejection some men might be, too. After all, the womanizing influencer has 1.5 million (mostly male) followers on IG; clearly, guys are inspired by his schtick.
It's not that I’d never heard of pickup artists before; I just assumed that everyone, like me, thought they were more of a joke than anything else. The early aughts introduced me to perhaps the cringiest reality show ever made — a hard accolade to earn — called the Pickup Artist. If you haven’t had the pleasure of viewing this gem of a sociological experiment, it ran on VH1 for two seasons and starred Erik von Markovik, who called himself "Mystery," and wore oversized fluffy hats with Bubonic plague-era physician’s goggles perched on top.
His mission was to transform groups of "losers" (guys who were uncomfortable, inexperienced, or shy around women) into "pickup artists," using techniques like "negging," a manipulation tactic aimed at hurting a woman’s confidence, therefore making her want to seek validation. It was as gross as it sounds, and my friends of all genders wasted no time making fun of "Mystery" and his "proven" methods. Surely, women just want to be approached with genuine kindness and a sense of humor, right? Don’t most of us think that trying to have game is cheesy?
How Women Want to Be Approached
I asked single women on Instagram to share how they like to be approached by men, expecting to be at least somewhat surprised by their responses. Usually, when I put out an anonymous poll, the answers are varied: some quirky and some serious, and representative of many different opinions. Not this time, however. Every single woman who answered said the same thing: If a man approaches them unprovoked, they want them to do it respectfully. Can it really be that simple? No "negging?" No hours of studying a pickup artist explaining his craft? Is it true that all women want is, in the immortal words of Aretha Franklin, "R.E.S.P.E.C.T.?"
I followed up by asking women how they don’t want to be approached, and those answers were more specific. Some begged to please not be touched — no hands on the backs, no arms around the shoulder. Others requested not to be called pet names from total strangers — save the "honey" and "gorgeous" for your girlfriend. Another common theme was that women didn’t want to be hit on mid-workout. Pro tip: If headphones are in, it’s not the time.
Game Acts as Armor
It's hard to argue against women wanting to be hit on respectfully, but what does that even mean? Even the kindest and most genuine approach doesn’t ensure automatic success. Rejection is still a very real possibility, and coming across as the "nice guy" might make men feel even more vulnerable (which is probably why so many opt for an act instead). So, what’s a guy to do?I asked Case Kenny, mindfulness expert and author of The Opposite of Settling: How to Get Everything You Want Out of Love and Life Without Losing Your Spark, for his advice.
"Men are wired to initiate, and I think that's fine. That's a cultural, social expectation. It's part of the modern and historical dating song and dance," Kenny says. "I always just clarify that I'm approaching this from the perspective of mindful reflection. What is it about being a man? Why do men think they have to have game? I think it comes from the idea that, in some sense, many people — but men in particular — have an insecurity. They don't think that being their real, genuine selves at this moment in time is enough in some sense. Whether it's through social media or upbringing or just twisting of the mind and insecurity, men think that they have to earn through performance and status.”
Game, he says, acts as armor against getting hurt. "If they're rejected with their persona, it doesn't sting so much because they're not making themselves vulnerable."
Kenny acknowledges that game can oftentimes be effective. This is because the recipient is attracted to the charisma and sense of humor that comes along with it. It opens the door, but things can quickly fall apart because the act isn’t genuine.
"They reach for what's obvious — a script, a line, a strategy that makes a spontaneous interaction, which is inherently unpredictable, feel more manageable,” he says.
There’s a better way, according to Kenny.
"The biggest advice I would give is to make it about curiosity. Don't make it about an outcome."
Kenny says that when men want to approach a woman, they should remove the aspect of validation and focus the interaction on learning more about her, rather than attaching to an "interest vs. rejection" outcome.
"Can you express interest in this person without needing a 'yes,' or validation to feel okay with yourself? Real confidence is curiosity," Kenny says. "You're curious about who they are. You're curious about their sense of humor. Curiosity indicates a lot of great down-the-road qualities like emotional steadiness and genuine confidence."
He adds, "Who doesn't like to be asked questions? A genuine spark, I find, usually starts with curiosity."
With this strategy, the pressure to impress is diminished. The approacher might not even be that interested in the approachee after asking a few questions.
"The goal should be to see if you're compatible both ways," Kenny says.
Kenny's advice blew my scared-of-rejection mind. It was tailored to men but applies to anyone brave enough to shoot their shot. Be funny? Yes, if it comes naturally. But, more importantly, ask questions, and be yourself. If you aren’t someone’s cup of tea, more than likely, they aren’t yours either.
Case Kenny's The Opposite of Settling: How to Get Everything You Want Out of Love and Life Without Losing Your Spark is out now. casekenny.com.
