Oscars 2013: Last Night's Real Winners (and Losers)

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Last night, the 85th Academy Awards celebrated the art of filmmaking. Just kidding! As usual, the Oscars gave us all a chance to gawk at celebrities talking while wearing shiny things, in the hopes that we might see their jokes fail, watch them fall down, or at least spot a little sideboob.

That trifecta was achieved last night (thanks to Seth McFarlane, Jennifer Lawrence, and Anne Hathaway, respectively), as well as the task of announcing the winners of 24 categories in under four hours. By now you know that Argo dominated, Daniel Day-Lewis won as predicted, and Django Unchained's Best Original Screenplay award gave Quentin Tarantino a chance to get up on stage and tell everybody how great he is.

But those are just the Academy Awards. Who won the Oscars broadcast -- and who failed at being famous? Our picks, after the jump.

See also:

- The Oscars Best Picture Nominees, as Illustrated By Emoji

Winner: Quvenzhane Wallis

Did she take home the golden trophy? Of course not; girl is 9 years old. But with those gun show moves, if she didn't take home your heart, you are dead inside.

Loser: The Academy Awards Orchestra

It probably wasn't the orchestra's choice to play the night's minor winners off the stage with the music from Jaws. But "we were just following orders" didn't work for the Nazis, and it doesn't work in Hollywood. Seriously: rude.

Winner: Jennifer Lawrence

Lawrence must have been convinced she wouldn't win, because she wore a dress with a parachute-sized skirt that made climbing the steps to the stage impossible. After the fell, the audience gave her a standing ovation -- and she immediately called them out on it. Never change, Katniss.

Loser: Kristen Stewart

Worst. Pimp limp. Ever.

Winner: Nelson

The '90s rockers weren't present last night, of course. But their long, stringy, white-blonde rock look is clearly back in style, at least among Hollywood's tech set.

Loser: Sound Editors

It's bad enough that they're allowed a shorter time on stage, and even worse that they're going to get sharked off the stage, and absolutely awful that the winners had to be announced by a creepily realistic animated teddy bear. Then Mark Wahlberg announced it was a tie between Skyfall and Zero Dark Thirty. Now they have to share the limelight too?

Winner: Grant Heslov

Otherwise known as the meat in a victorious Ben Affleck/George Clooney sandwich.

Loser: Anne Hathaway

Yes, she won Best Supporting Actress, and she probably made an inspired speech afterwards. But all of America was too busy looking at her chest to notice. Nipples? Poor dress construction? Fembot-style weaponry? The possibilities were endless.

Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.