Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 12:41 p.m.
For the benefit of all the middle-aged lady fans Jason Taylor picked up during his stint on Dancing with the Stars, let's break down his current free-agent situation in Romantic Comedy terms.
See, basically Jason Taylor and the Dolphins (played by Cameron Diaz) are soul mates. They had some really good times together, but the Dolphins never even came close to putting a ring on Taylor's hands. After a particularly ruff year in their relationship Taylor came home to find all his belonging packed up in cardboad boxes in the garage with a note that read, "I hope you get the message. Let's not make this any harder than it needs to be."
Taylor than took up with any two-bit floozy that would take him (sorry Redskins, but you're played by Lindsay Lohan), but only became more and more miserable and the unstable rebound relationship quickly crumbled. With no where to go, Taylor reaches out to his former flame, but is greated with mix signals. See, she's had quite a lot of success in the past year --lost a little weight, got a promotion at work, learned some new "wildcat" positions in the bedroom-- and maybe she's just better with out him. Then along comes the Dolphins' old nemisis the Patriots (played by Giselle Bündchen), the girl that beat the Dolphins for prom queen back in high school has been one-uping her ever sense. She's shamelessly flirting with Taylor. She's basically asked the bartender to send him over a pitcher with the note, "I want to give you handjob with my mouth."
At first the Dolphins pretended not to care, and as much as Taylor longed for the familiar flesh of his old beau, the Patriots, with their knock out body, seductive looks, and reassuring touch seemed like a good match.
Dolphins Coach Tony Sparano went on the radio yesterday, to say that a Dolphins-Taylor reunion is still possible. It wasn't exactly like the Fins standing outside Taylor's window with a boom box, but it was kind of like dedicating a requested song to him.
Taylor meanwhile really wants to get back together with the fins, and doesn't care who knows.
So basically, the Fins are interested, but playing hard to get, while Taylor is the emotionally vulnerable suitor who's put his cards on the table for all to see. Will this end in true romantic comedy style with a happy ending?