The 10 People Who Won't Make It in Miami

The Dolphins new quarterback? He definitely ain't gonna make it.
The Dolphins new quarterback? He definitely ain't gonna make it.
Photo by George Martinez

Someone once said, "You go to New York to become someone, you go to L.A. when you are someone, and you go to Miami when you want to be someone else."

We like to think we're somebody, but it would totally make sense if we found out we had been someone else our whole life. It takes a certain kind of special to make Miami work. You can't have too many hangups. You've got to be OK with tacky and classy being approximately the same thing. You've got to be chill and kind of a bitch all the time. It takes practice.

Some people will just never get it right, and that's fine. For them, there's New York or L.A. or whatever.

See also: The Six People You Meet on South Beach

The 10 People Who Won't Make It in Miami
Photo by George Martinez

Goths

Ever notice how nonexistent the goth scene is in Miami? We don't have many fancy cemeteries in which to frolic. It's hot as hell, like 24/7/365, which makes it very difficult to wear long sleeves in the summer so you don't catch a tan. Also, goth music is essentially the polar opposite of Latin music of any kind. The closest thing you get to a goth night is hipster postpunk dance time or semiannual fetish parties. So your options are settle, move away, or get over it.

The 10 People Who Won't Make It in Miami
Photo by Marta Xochilt Perez

Women Without Asses

Oh, sweetie, if you hit the streets in this town lookin' flat in the back, prepare to be eaten alive. You'll go home from the club not with someone sexy, but with a parting basket of self-doubt and body-image issues. Miamians are living in Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" video. This city sits atop J.Lo's enormous behind. If you don't get out of here quick, you'll wake up in six months with a rock the size of a bowling ball in each butt cheek and some dude named Javier talkin' about "I'll tell you how you can pay me back."

See also: Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ



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