Obama vs. Romney: Top Ten Musical Endorsements, From Vanilla Ice to Pitbull
Pop music celebrities are sex-drenched, weapon-obsessed, drug-addicted, angry, deranged, and sometimes criminal.
In short, they're unconventional, always-entertaining personalities who may or may not have politically valid opinions.
But let's face it, celebrity endorsements are cultural collateral, and politics is bloodsport.
Here are the top ten musical endorsements in this presidential death race pitting Romney vs. Obama.
10. Barry Manilow and Meat Loaf
Skinny white guy with a never-ending Vegas career has been making the same ladies wet from college age to grandma. Helps Obama get old white ladies.
Fat white guy with over-the-top bravado sings loud, doesn't say shit, makes operatic concept music for people without actual concept of music. Helps Romney get old white guys.
9. 50 Cent and Vanilla Ice
Former gangsta rapper turned Twitter beefer has been shot many times, would probably support gun control if he wasn't such a raging paranoiac gun nut himself. Helps Obama get 15-year-old suburban kids who can't vote yet.
Former pop muzak tool turned reality TV sock puppet is now a foreclosed-home vulture buying up the crushed American dreams of working-class families and flipping 'em for healthy profit. Helps Romney get nobody, the guy is about as relevant as dumpster lettuce.
8. Adam Lambert and Scott Stapp
Television singer (and puppy accessorizer) with rabid Gleek fanbase gets on his knees and pushes signs in the dirt for his candidate. Helps Obama get the gays.
Rock 'n' roll nutcase (who once had his life saved by a rapper in a South Beach hotel room during a suicide attempt) doesn't have to worry about healthcare, because he still makes money off Creed. Helps Romney get contemporary rock radio America.
7. Axl Rose and Dave Mustaine
Global rock icon turned cowardly backstage concert hider takes the trust of hundreds of thousands and crushes them with sociopathic tendency to destroy what he created. Helps Obama get shellshocked veterans.
Aging rock music underachiever with a popularity complex develops conservative ideology after decades of looking down on people who think his music sucks. Helps Romney get ex-Mormons who miss home.
6. Peter Frampton and Taylor Hicks
Talkbox guitar pioneer who wishes people would quit screaming for the fucking talkbox, continues playing it because ... Hey, the shit sells. Helps Obama get potheads still living in the 1970s.
Who the hell is this guy again? Heard name before, but somehow too bored by image to give benefit of Google search. Looks like a video rental clerk from the VHS era. Helps Romney get cardboard people with plastic-wrap lives.
5. Herbie Hancock and Donny Osmond
True musical visionary and pioneer of Future Shock has sound mind, still plays, remains cool. Last name is Hancock, probably gets off on his own jazz. Helps Obama secure the votes of obscure music fans.
Conservetard marionette has so many strings attached to limbs, just can't remember who's pulling them anymore, continues reeling in old ladies with creepy wooden face. Helps Romney get people who already like Romney.
4. Fiona Apple and Charlie Daniels
Singer-songwriter turned righteous freedom fighter takes county jail by storm in mess hall sing-along after arrest for smoking weed on tour bus in Texas. Helps Obama get sensitive, emotional, yet feisty and resilient types.
Great American country singer who likely takes "hillbilly cracker motherfucker" as a compliment; fights for whiskey, war, and machine guns. Helps Romney get birthers, racists, and good Christian folk.
3. Ice Cube and Sara Evans
Film and music mogul retains gangster street cred despite decades of Hollywood soft living. Helps Obama get the old-people-who-used-to-be-young-people vote.
Sexing up conservativity since her first dance at the rodeo, Nashville singer melts free will of men with incredible country girl charm and beauty. Helps Romney get any man she looks at.
2. Mick Jagger and Ted Nugent
Superstar rocker with global influence is backing Obama? Isn't he British? Is he American too? Will he vote? Does he vote? Can he cast a ballot via rooster strut? Helps Obama get half a century of rockers.
"Cat Scratch Fever" hitmaker, Detroit weapon machine, rural big game hunter, bow-and-arrow enthusiast probably enjoys rich-guy "don't tax me, man" proclivities. Helps Romney get small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year.
1. Pitbull and Hank Williams Jr.
Cuban American business machine rose from the streets of Miami to a steady growing heavy-millions empire using music as a vehicle for success, and remaining focused to make intelligent investments while helping others rise to prominence by offering opportunities for them to make it. Helps Obama get the America that wants to rise up from our struggle for the greater good of the nation.
Heir to a legendary musical heritage shows signs of being greater than his father before a never-ending series of bridge-burning, convoluted, half-baked, delusional rants threaten his entire livelihood. Exhibits signs of losing all contact with reality. Helps Romney not at all. Well, maybe 3 votes in Oklahoma.
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