Miami can be a great place to live. We mean that hypothetically, of course, in the same way people say things like, "The Marlins can win the World Series this year." All the ingredients are there, technically, but the divine intervention necessary to make either of those statements true has yet to be met. Between all the "COMPRO CARROS" texts and the shitty drivers, it's pretty damn easy to be a Miami hater.
We're only partially serious. There are a ton of awesome things about Miami, but every once in a while we need to stop and smell our own farts to stay humble. We've previously discussed some of the most annoying things about Miami, but now that it's summer, we thought we'd update that list with some seasonal quirks that are currently pissing us off. If your favorite thing to hate isn't on this list, maybe you should comment and bitch about its lack of inclusion like we know you will, you comemierda you.
Children are pieces of crap. School is not in place not to teach them how to be human beings; you learn that sort of thing after you get your high school diploma. No, school is there to keep those little pieces of crap concentrated in one place where they can do their damage under the supervision of grossly underpaid government employees. Each summer, however, we decide to let them roam free for a couple of months.
Every summer, millions of people die around the world, the northern hemisphere experiences heat waves and droughts or monsoons, and probably the next Hitler is born. Some people will claim that has nothing to do with kids being out of school for the summer, but maybe those people are in on the conspiracy.
4. Trading one Miami Heat for another Miami heat
As the NBA Finals wind down to an inevitable Heat victory, it starts getting so hot and sticky outside that not even a handful of baby powder will keep our balls fresh. Sure, people in places like Phoenix will scoff at our measly high temperatures in the mid 90s when they're averaging triple digits, but those desert dwellers don't even know how to pronounce the word humidity.
Phoenix heat can go fuck itself. It actually snows there occasionally, did you know that? The only snow we coming into Miami gets snorted before it hits the ground. It's that damn humidity. Humidity ensures three things: lush tropical fauna, frizzy hair, and...
Mosquitoes fuck up more outdoor activities than having an albino in your group. And thanks to our proximity to the Everglades, Miami is full of them during the summer. Some agencies consider them the most dangerous animals in the world, if you don't count Chris Brown. And similar to Chris Brown, many scientists believe that the complete eradication of mosquitoes would have no serious ecological consequences.
Spend 15 minutes reading the Wikipedia article on mosquitoes and you'll quickly find yourself declaring that there is, in fact, no God. The blood-sucking ones' main role in life is to fuck shit up. Not all of them suck blood -- only certain species, and only females -- but we bet the ones that don't are probably really sarcastic and judgmental. So we should get rid of them too. And speaking of fucking shit up...
We've previously talked about how to survive a hurricane, and with good reason. Hurricanes displace more families than Bank of America. (That's actually not even true.) Every year, meteorologists and local news networks hype up the possibility of a hurricane strike by coercing us into buying things the typical Miami resident would never consume or use unless forced to in the direst of conditions. You know, things like water and a land-line telephone.
Even without a full-on hurricane, these summer thunderstorms make it a pain in the ass to perform the average Miamian's ritual of looking skanky as hell outside a South Beach club until they let you in. Pretty much the only thing that destroys Miami's beaches more than hurricanes is...
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1. Memorial Day Weekend
Yes, we know Memorial Day is technically in the spring. But let's be honest: It's humid and mosquito-y outside well before the last Monday of May, and when the long weekend is over, we're smack in the middle of the slow summer season.
Memorial Day Weekend can be a touchy subject to bring up when referring to the most annoying things about Miami summers. "Oh, I must be annoying because I'm black, right?" No, it's because people get shot near Collins Avenue or literally eat a homeless dude's face. The zombie bullshit wasn't specifically an Urban Weekend phenomenon, but the coincidence is just something you'll have to live with. No one besides tourists really likes this weekend, and it's probably the only time in the history of ever that Latinos get to be on the other end of "white flight." For a bunch of notoriously rowdy-ass Hispanics in Miami to be like, "No, this is just too much for me, I need to get off this island," it's gotta be another level of ridiculousness.