The Most Annoying Things About Miami, Summer Edition

Looking at this photo too hard will give you skin cancer.
Looking at this photo too hard will give you skin cancer.
Dmireault/Flickr CC

Miami can be a great place to live. We mean that hypothetically, of course, in the same way people say things like, "The Marlins can win the World Series this year." All the ingredients are there, technically, but the divine intervention necessary to make either of those statements true has yet to be met. Between all the "COMPRO CARROS" texts and the shitty drivers, it's pretty damn easy to be a Miami hater.

We're only partially serious. There are a ton of awesome things about Miami, but every once in a while we need to stop and smell our own farts to stay humble. We've previously discussed some of the most annoying things about Miami, but now that it's summer, we thought we'd update that list with some seasonal quirks that are currently pissing us off. If your favorite thing to hate isn't on this list, maybe you should comment and bitch about its lack of inclusion like we know you will, you comemierda you.

All of these kids benefit from taxes and NONE have a job. Socialism.
All of these kids benefit from taxes and NONE have a job. Socialism.
CC Wikipedia

5. Kids
Children are pieces of crap. School is not in place not to teach them how to be human beings; you learn that sort of thing after you get your high school diploma. No, school is there to keep those little pieces of crap concentrated in one place where they can do their damage under the supervision of grossly underpaid government employees. Each summer, however, we decide to let them roam free for a couple of months.

Every summer, millions of people die around the world, the northern hemisphere experiences heat waves and droughts or monsoons, and probably the next Hitler is born. Some people will claim that has nothing to do with kids being out of school for the summer, but maybe those people are in on the conspiracy.

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4. Trading one Miami Heat for another Miami heat
As the NBA Finals wind down to an inevitable Heat victory, it starts getting so hot and sticky outside that not even a handful of baby powder will keep our balls fresh. Sure, people in places like Phoenix will scoff at our measly high temperatures in the mid 90s when they're averaging triple digits, but those desert dwellers don't even know how to pronounce the word humidity.

Phoenix heat can go fuck itself. It actually snows there occasionally, did you know that? The only snow we coming into Miami gets snorted before it hits the ground. It's that damn humidity. Humidity ensures three things: lush tropical fauna, frizzy hair, and...

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