Most Sexual Innuendos in a Potato-Themed Rap and Other World Records You Should Beat
Back in the day, one required genetic superiority to set a world record. Being the fastest man in the world granted you with an air of excellence literally unmatched by all other humans. Today, all you need is the ability to think of dumb shit you can do and put forth marginal effort.
Have you ever thought, "how many gloves can I fit in the glove compartment of a Toyota Prius?" Well, you should have, because that's as real of a record as "Fastest Time to Run Down and Up Escalator While Wearing an Indian Costume and Holding a Red Balloon." What.
There are thousands of similar records out there. We've taken the liberty of compiling 16 world records so you can break them and make the original record holders feel like abject failures now that they're number two at Most Sexual Innuendos in A Potato-Themed Rap Song. How embarrassing.
Easy Records (Anyone Can Do This Crap)
Dollhouse Dance Factory: Bring It! Live
TicketsSat., Jul. 1, 8:00pm
TicketsSat., Jul. 8, 8:30pm
You're a Good Man Charlie Brown: Young Professionals
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 2:00pm
Big Band Concerts with the Florida Wind Symphony
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 7:00pm
Miami Curves Week Presents: Curves & Comedy
TicketsFri., Jul. 21, 9:00pm
Fastest Time to Photocopy Face and Tape Copy to Face: 10 seconds
This will come in handy on the first day of never.
Most Questions Asked During a Single Drive-Thru Visit: 85
File this one under "scumbag move." Not only is the drive-through
attendant annoyed, but the fat asses waiting in line have to wait a few
extra minutes to eat their taco-stuffed taco.
Most Bench Presses With A Pillow in 30 Seconds: 83
Considering these people aren't even doing actual bench presses (a
distinct lack of a bench is a big indicator), it wouldn't be tough to
school these fools.
Most Times Kicking One's Own Butt in 20 Seconds: 80
Kicking your own ass is something Colombian soccer players are
world-renowned for. So if you're Colombian and you're a soccer player,
sorry to hear that, but you've got an easy shot at shattering this
Medium Records (Potential to Require Some Effort)
Largest Slide Whistle Orchestra: 6 whistles
Getting at least seven friends to play a slide whistle isn't much of a
challenge, but getting them to stop making cartoon sound effects long
enough to record yourselves playing the latest Justin Guarini hit (wait,
does he have any?) is.
Longest Egg Toss Caught in a Glass Jar: 246 ft
Obviously, the egg can break, but you've gotta catch the whole thing
in the jar. At far enough distances this starts becoming more and more
challenging. The more distance between you and the egg, the harder it is
to make it work, sort of like a long-distance relationship. Spoiler alert: They're cheating on you.
Longest Morse Code Conversation Using Vuvuzelas: 20 characters
Medium difficulty because A) you have to learn Morse code; B) you
have to avoid getting the shit kicked out of you for playing a vuvuzela
out in public.
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