"What's the Puppy Bowl," you reluctantly ask? It's Animal Planet exploiting a bunch of cute puppies and forcing them to play their own brand of football on national television on Super Bowl Sunday. Yes, it's a thing.
The fact that people even enjoy rugby's pussy little cousin football at all is suspect at best. But throwing puppies in the mix is something else entirely. The whole time you're thinking, "What are you doing, dog? Put down that football; you are a dog, you don't even have opposable thumbs." Plus, there's something about the juxtaposition of dogs and football which has us uneasy. (Blame Michael Vick.) Yet, this year marks Puppy Bowl VIII. Yes, this is its eighth year.
It got us thinking: What other animals can we pit against each other to perform human sports for our entertainment?
Sure, some people will call it "cock fighting" and say it's illegal in the United States, but that's because they're short-sighted and don't realize that MMA has rules. It's not like we'd be sticking a couple of chickens in there and having a bunch of mustachioed Mexicans standing around waving pesos as the roosters peck away at each other. There will be weight classes, a referee (who is, admittedly, another rooster), and we'll put little padded beak guards on them. All these regulations will ensure that nothing is fowl.
It'll be amazing. We can have slutty hens walk around between each round holding up the round numbers like they do in boxing. We'll have a bunch of chickens sitting around as audience members. Then when one of the roosters whoops the other rooster's cloaca and he receives the title belt, he gets to watch us slaughter every fucking chicken there and eat them. That shit will toughen his ass up for the next fight.
Kitten 100m Swim
Like puppies, kittens are adorable. What would it be like to throw a bucket of them in a swimming pool and see which one comes out first? It sounds mean, we know, but think of how cute all their little distressed "mews" would sound! But wait -- it can't just be whichever one comes out first, because that wouldn't be 100m and we need to be fair. So when the kitty comes out we pick it up and throw it back in the pool. And as it gives you those big, pleading eyes which ask, "why?" we can have celebrity announcers comment on how cute a pool-full of kitties is.
Sponsored by PETA and a Korean restaurant, this event could be held during the summer Olympics. The winner of the event will go on to meet Michael Phelps, receive a lifetime supply of Fancy Feast, and not be euthanized in the animal shelter it was plucked from.
Or as it's normally known, baseball. Hahaha, we like to joke here at the New Times. Anyway, ape baseball would consist of a bunch of chimps, gorillas, and orangutans playing ball. Think about how perfect it is. Chimps have the human-like digits to grasp a baseball, the innate feces-flinging ability to throw it, and the lack of intelligence to not be bored to fucking death at the prospect of baseball. Since baseball managers are always throwing a bunch of signs at the pitcher from the dugout, we could have those gorillas that know sign language be the managers. Of course, the chimp on the mound isn't really going to know what the hell he's being told, but it lends authenticity.
Seeing chimps dressed as people is hilarious; it's really the only reason anyone watches anything on Fox News. Also, who knows, maybe Jeffrey Loria will sign a bonobo to play center field.
Dancing With the Dogs
There is a huge number of videos showing dogs dancing to music. Let's skip right to the part where we start putting a bunch of celebrity dogs together and having them dance off. It would be pretty sweet to watch the Taco Bell chihuahua dance ranchero against that golden retriever from the Teen Choice Awards Choice Movie: Bromantic Comedy winner Marley & Me. We'll have to give the lighter dogs a handicap, otherwise the Dobermans and Rottweilers will end up winning any dancing or singing competition they're in. That's not racist to say if they're dogs, right?
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It can't be any sillier than the Puppy Bowl.
Honorable Mention: Snake Bobsledding
Imagine this: Some dude throwing a bunch of snakes onto a bobsled track. That's all we got so far, but it sounds awesome. We'll call it "Snakes on an Inconvenient Terrain." Did we just reference a 2006 movie? Yes. So topical.