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Bill Maher: A Dozen New Rules on Food

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​Bill Maher has been skewering everything in sight for a few decades: as a standup comedian in the '80s, as host of Politically Incorrect in the '90s, and as host of Real Time since 2002. He also has the movie Religulous, 27 Emmy nominations, and five books under his belt. Or else he's just really happy to see us.

The fifth and latest tome is Bill Maher: The New New Rules (A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass). We've culled a dozen caustic and hilarious observations that relate to food. They are funny because they are honest, but be forewarned: Many of the comments stray far from political correctness.

New Rule: I don't know how to fix the "donut hole" in Medicare, but the first step to better health might be: Stop seeing everything as a donut.

New Rule: Science has given us the plastic ketchup bottle, the squeezable plastic ketchup bottle, the upside-down squeezable plastic ketchup bottle. Now it must create the ketchup bottle that doesn't make a sound like a fart. You're a condiment, not a whoopee cushion. If I want rude noises from vegetables, I'll go to a Tea Party rally.

New Rule: You don't have to put the shells in with the clams. You don't put the banana peel in the banana cream pie, or the eggshells in an omelet. I'll take your word for it, you got the clams from the ocean. I don't need a plateful of sand and the medical waste to prove it.

New Rule: Kentucky Fried Chicken can call their roadkill whatever they want. I'm still not eating out of a bucket. This week, for the fourth time, KFC is introducing "grilled" chicken. I'm sorry, but you're missing the whole reason my mouth's not watering: The problem isn't the word "fried." It's the word "Kentucky."

New Rule: Bacon, eggs, and cheese between two waffles isn't a breakfast; it's a suicide attempt. This is Dunkin' Donuts new "waffle sandwich." You can wait in line for yours, or if you're in a hurry, just snatch the pistol from the cop sitting at the counter and shoot yourself in the head.

New Rule: Now that Subway has passed McDonald's as the biggest franchise on earth, they need to change their name to something that doesn't make me think of a homeless guy pissing himself on the A train. Also, if you order your lunch by the foot, you should reexamine your relationship with food.

New Rule: Don't pretend Twinkies are healthy now, just because you can get the 100-calorie size. Here's the miracle: It's smaller. Here's how to make your own at home: Cut an old Twinkie in half. Here's how to make it healthy: Throw both halves in the toilet and eat a carrot.

New Rule: Just because the Scottish eat it, that doesn't make it food. The Obama administration has lifted the ban on imported haggis, a Scottish dish made from sheep's heart, liver, and lungs, and simmered in the sheep's stomach. Mmmm. But we already have that here. It's called a hot dog. Plus, their version looks disgusting, while ours is neatly pressed into the shape of a dog's hard-on. What I'm trying to say is: Buy American.

New Rule: Stop letting fifth-graders name hot sauces. Is it possible that I might be able to enjoy a touch of habañero without having to read about ass rape, the devil, or death? I'm flavoring my soup, not camping out for tickets to Ozzfest.

New Rule: The Chinese community must explain why Chinese restaurants are never open for breakfast. There's a billion of you. You can't all be sleeping in. I'll make you a deal: You tell me why you're not open for breakfast and I'll tell you how to get back on the freeway.

New Rule: Fruit Loops are not a health food. Some of the big food companies have started giving their products "Smart Choices" check marks so shoppers will know they're "healthful." You know, like a creep at the park will carry a puppy, so kids will know he's "friendly." Healthful? Fruit Loops? When I saw this, I threw a tantrum in the cereal aisle.

New Rule: Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

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