Ladies of Twitter, Is Jose Canseco Your Night In Baseball Armor?

José Canseco needs a woman. The Cuban American baseball player, who grew up in Miami before juicing harder than a Cuisnart and winning two World Series, has lately been taking to Twitter in search of a wife. He's the total package -- a six-time MLB all-star and member of the Riptide All-Asshole Major League Baseball Team, he's since moved on to managing (and playing for) the North American Baseball League's Yuma Scorpions. He's hitless on the year, but that could be because he's listed as the designated hitter in a league with no designated hitter rule.

But he's lonely. He's not asking for much:

  • I want to get married and settle down any crazy takers u must be Christian
  • Converting canseco what a show

  • Can any woman convert the most infamous athlete ever
  • Or will I take u on a hell ride
  • Can u tame a 6.4 250 lb beast
Though his claim to be the most infamous athlete ever seems a bit hyperbolic (come on now), these are obviously the verses of a man who is ready to settle down in a stable, loving relationship. Just look at his vulnerable side, exposed May 28:
  • I am looking for an exorcism from a Christian girl can u handle it
  • Come into the dark side I Will be waiting for u
See? Harmless. And it's not like he's ever been accused of hitting his wife or ramming another wife's car in traffic. How could he not have found the one?
  • I need a partner and companion
  • Where is wonder woman
  • I am at buffalo wild wings still looking for the next miss x canseco
And you can't fault him for aiming high -- this is the guy, after all, who hocks "exotic rare artwork" through his email and almost beat (5-foot-6) Danny Bonaduce in a boxing match.
  • I love lady gaga wish I could meet her .would marry her in a second
  • I am her night in baseball armor
  • Lady gaga where r u did u get my marriage proposal I am at cocoa casino in yuma Arizona
This is probably your last shot, women of the world. Somebody's going to snatch him up any second now. Especially since he's got a future in television and will never die:
  • You can live to be 120 years old I will prove it soon
  • Did you no that eating alot of bananas makes you very strong
  • Can any top executive from true tv please contact me asap about a reality tv show .I have a great idea
If you're interested, the superstar regularly tweets his location and email address. Go find him! Just don't look in Cooperstown.

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Rich Abdill
Contact: Rich Abdill