DJ Khaled, Kanye, Rozay, and Kim K's Video Clusterf#$%: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

See also "DJ Khaled's 'I'm On One': Five Reasons Why It Was 2011's Most Miami-Tastic Music Video."

DJ Khaled keeps making hits and filling them out with his bestest friends. In fact, he's turning 'em out so fast that we just got a two-for-one special.

Maybe Khaled saved some cash by hiring Hype Williams to do the videos for both "I Wish You Would" and "Cold" at the same time. Or maybe Kanye West was available only for a few hours.

Whatever... We all just want to see the Kim Kardashian cameo, right?

0:00 - 0:26

This clip begins with classic Hype Williams block-letter title screens, as we find ourselves underground in some kind of shiny sewer. As always, DJ Khaled is super-fucking serious. We're a little worried about Hype, though. (Or whoever is holding the camera.) He probably needs to stop filming and go see a doctor about that Parkinson's disease.

0:27 - 1:34

Turns out Kanye West has glowing eyeballs. They're actually limited-edition Louis Vuitton night-vision contacts. You can't ever hope to afford them. Meanwhile, Rick Ross and DJ Khaled be creepin' up behind Yeezy like a two-man gang of overweight assassins. They're not very good at being stealthy because you can hear them breathing a mile away.

1:35 - 2:29

Rozay shows off his Willow Smith impression and tries to shake his teeth loose. Also, did you know he's endorsed by GIV and Cîroc? You better drink that shit. Or he will kill you. Or steal your French fries. BTW, we have a lot of respect for Ross's equilibrium. We would have expected him to fall down with all that head-shaking. 

2:30 - 3:54

These three kings of the shaky sewer stand back-to-back and survey their empire. Kanye is dressed for the post-apocalypse red carpet in jazzy biker gloves and black harem pants. He tries to relate to the poor people of the world, rapping about going to jail and stuff that he totally knows all about. A few other bros make some appearances; then the shiny sewer transforms into a shiny hallway.

3:55 - 4:53

Time for the next DJ Khaled megahit that you'll be sure to hear on the radio a bazillion times. For some reason, they can no longer get away with saying the N-word and start censoring everything. This one is all about Kanye West and his quest to find more money and the "Perfect Bitch." He waves his arms around a lot and grabs his head. He must have a headache. We do too, because this shit still looks like an unending earthquake.

4:54 - 5:18

DJ Khaled is like, "Let me be in the video, Kanye! It's my song too!" And then Mr. West's "Perfect Bitch," Kim Kardashian herself, makes a cameo. She's dressed more modestly than ever before in her life, practically hidden behind some head scarf. But a Hype Williams music video is no safe place for a busty reality star. So Kim is taken away and we don't get to see her again. We feel kind of cheated, because we thought we'd at least get to see some ass cleavage.

5:19 - 5:59

And that's about the time we stop caring about this video. It just keeps going... Kanye rapping inside a shiny, shaking hallway while rocking gold chains and diamond teeth. The whole thing ends rather abruptly, probably because the camera guy finally died. We're left wondering what the fuck just happened. Whatever, doesn't matter.

We da best.

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