Which Hispanics Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami War?

The Miami Survival Guide is Cultist's almanac on what makes Miami tick. Use this as a means to mastering your surroundings for use in the upcoming Palin presidency apocalypse, or for getting punched in the face, whichever comes first.

Miami is as diverse as the bacterial cultures scraped off the genitals of the Jersey Shore cast. Previously, we learned about the different factions and which neighborhood stands a better chance at survival in the face of an impending dystopian future. Now it's time to delve into the individuals to gain a better understanding of their likes, fears, and quirks (so we can exploit the shit out of them).

Miami has many, many different types of nationalities residing in

its income-disparate domain. Hispanics dominate the playing field like

it were a baseball diamond, so we'll begin with them. This guide would

be shit without a breakdown of the most prominent nationalities that are

so proud of their nations they decided to abandon it for America's greener pastures to pick fruits from -- like this writer who was too Dominican even for Dominicans. Time

for some stereotypes. All of them bad.


The majority of Miami. The American education system isn't great, we

all know that, but apparently it's worse than we thought. According

to any Cuban you meet from the older generation, they were all doctors,

lawyers, and engineers back in Cuba. Yet the current generation seems

full of underachievers with an IQ that wouldn't make a respectable

earthquake. The Cuban specimen is finicky, noisy, and filled with a sense

of entitlement. They live all over Miami but mostly reside in

Westchester, Tamiami, Hialeah, and Little Havana.

Positive Attributes:

Shit-talking can get people places and resources. For example, there's

no way in hell Marco Rubio became a U.S. senator on merit or skill.

Negative Attributes:

Shit-talking can also get your ass kicked. It's only a matter of time

before a certain shit-talking writer is found murdered in an alley

someplace. And by the way, if the cause of death is covered up and ruled suicide by

autoerotic asphyxiation, you'll know it's bullshit. He wouldn't do that in an


Venezuelan & Colombian.

Sometimes it's a challenge to tell apart a Venezuelan from a Colombian.

They nearly have the same damn flag, their women get breast implants so often

they'll soon develop genes that produce silicone during puberty, and

they fucking love Lacoste. Seriously, they love that shit.


are generally goofier and have a slightly sillier tone when they

speak Spanish and they turn into little whiny bitches when you bring up

Hugo Chavez. Their "happy birthday" song is also 14 minutes long. To

turn a Colombian into a whiny bitch, you remind them of how terrible

their national soccer team is. Also, insert a cocaine joke here. Their

main hub is Doral and increasingly in the Hammocks (Kendall).

Positive Attributes:

With Venezuelans, the intense hotness of their women comes as a useful resource in a post-apocalyptic world. With Colombians, it's survivability. People kill

dealers, not suppliers.

Negative Attributes:

They don't hide very well with all those loud-ass parties they throw

for any little situation. They think "low key" means hiding a house key

under a welcome mat in their Doral home for the cleaning lady.


How do you know when someone is Argentinian? They'll tell you. They're

easy to spot. They accent the wrong syllables when they speak Spanish,

they act as if they're more European than Europeans, and they're

perpetually stuck in the '80s. If you see a Hispanic with a mullet, he's

Argentinian. Of course, he'll walk right up to you and tell you he's

Argentinian, but you get the point. They call Miami Beach and South

Miami their home.

Vyacheslav Bondaruk
You can't hide that shit with a perm, Maradona, we know it's a mullet.

Positive Attributes:

Provided they don't tell anyone they're Argentinian, their general look

can have them blend in with any nationality which makes for good

defecting in the event shit hits the fan.

Negative Attributes: Again, it's if they don't tell anyone.

Dominican & Puerto Rican. Hailing

from their capital, New York City, the main difference between the two

is Puerto Ricans are born with a green card whereas Dominicans have to

sham-marry an American citizen or get a major league contract for

theirs. Puerto Ricans are so pathetic they outsourced the whole "maintaining a national

government" thing to the Americans. Dominicans love being the center of

attention, and when they speak it sort of sounds like they're singing

merengue. In other words, they're annoying to listen to for longer than

six minutes. Miami Gardens, Allapattah, and Carol City hold the most.

Positive Attributes: Have

you seen Sammy Sosa swing a bat? Have you seen Ricky Martin mesmerize

crowds? They'll go to war with Juan Luis Guerra and Mark Anthony

providing the soundtrack, thus war won't sound so bad.

Negative Attributes: Have

you seen Sammy Sosa as a white guy? Clearly, Dominicans are too

bat-shit insane to organize an infantry effectively. The only thing Puerto Ricans excel at is blocking

traffic with annoying-ass parades.

Remo del Orbe
WTF, Sammy?


They're like Mexicans, but a little bit shorter. You need to be careful

if you call them "tira flecha,"

because they'll porcupine you with a couple of well-placed arrow shots. Nicaraguans have very

little to put them in the spotlight of anything. They're like the

appendix of Miami diversity: if they weren't here, nothing much

would change except the lines at Santa's Enchanted Forest would be 80%

shorter. It's so weird how Santa's Enchanted Forest is so frequented by

Nicaraguans considering they're all too short to get on the rides.

Nicaraguans are all over Sweetwater.

Positive Attributes:

They don't seem to collide with anyone which means no real natural

enemies, except Cubans and WASPs, who inherently hate everyone.

Negative Attributes: Even

with the collapse of government and faced with anarchy and chaos,

they'll still figure out a way to get themselves deported.

This guide will help you understand the many different people you'll encounter in Miami. With

all that said, who do you think stands a better chance at victory? Hang on, we haven't even gotten to Miami's non-Hispanics yet. Hey, minorities need representation


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