Many a celeb rang in the New Year by putting a ring on it and getting engaged. Aretha Franklin got a sparkler from longtime beau William 'Willie' Wilkerson, local b-baller LeBron James finally decided to make his longtime babymama an honest woman, Justin Timberlake vowed to stop cheating on Jessica Biel, and lover of love Drew Barrymore promised herself for the 934,803,289-gazillionth time to a man no one's heard of.
And sure, that kind of news is all butterflies, baby sloths, and lilac-scented bubble bath farts. But what about totally legit rumors (coming from In Touch Magazine, possibly the most reliable news source in the entire galaxy) that forever spinster Jen Aniston was convinced that her boyfriend and Wanderlust co-star Justin Theroux was totally going to propose to her over the holidays -- but instead of getting a super-expensive blood diamond from her man on Christmas, Justin gave gave Jen a "generic purse"? Emotional FAIL.
We here at Cultist feel that the "Aniston engagement that never was" story is precisely the kind of thing that needs to be reported. Not because we recently got dumped and spent New Years Eve eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's, crying into our cats, and then drying off Mr. Furrybuttom with our stockpiles of Modern Bride Magazines. It's purely for cosmic checks and balances. See, if there's too much happy in the world, the Mayan-predicted Apocalypse is sure to happen on December 21st, 2012. In order to prevent that from happening, we need a little bit of bitterness. As a result, here's ten wedding proposal fails -- with videos. (And, by the way, you're welcome for saving the world.)
Basketball Game Fail
Whoah, is that announcer an oracle or something?
Food Court Fail
Uh, how can this go wrong when you choose the most romantic locale in the world?
Oh, that Ellen! She even makes rejection fun!
Live TV Fail
We're not sure what's worse -- the boyfriend's goatee, having to lie a ring down on your girlfriend's lap because she refuses to uncross her arms, or having to have a dude with a keyboard diffuse the situation with a horrible pre-recorded Cassio jingle? Hmmm...we're going to go with the goatee.
Bowling Alley Fail
Aw, but she could've been Mrs. Eye Patch-Wearing Douchebag. Her loss.
Another Basketball Game Fail
The prize from the Cracker Jack box is NOT an acceptable ring for a proposal!
Maybe if you didn't roofie her drink beforehand, she would've realized you were proposing to her.
Rock Show Fail
No shirt, no shoes, no marriage.
And Yet Another Basketball Game Proposal Fail
We think it's safe to say that b-ball courts are cursed.
Obviously logic goes way over this guy's head.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.