Today is Everything You Think Is Wrong Day.
And everything we've learned thus far about Elsa Patton, the real star of the Real Housewives of Miami, is completely false. Yes lies, ALL LIES! But step back from that cliff's ledge, my friend, in honor of today's holiday, we've decided to debunk some of these oh-so-important Elsa myths:
1. She's Cuban
Sure, she may have been born in a far and distant land where people steal flowers from their neighbors' yards with unwashed hands (AKA Cuba). But we did some investigative research on the interwebs and found out that large, sluggish aliens with slurred speech are usually derived from a creature called a Jabba the Hutt, which was a character created by George Lucas, who, according to a lot of avid Star Wars fans is pretty much like God, so, it's HIS word -- Elsa is the love child of Princess Leia and Jabba. That explains why she looks partially human. Hang on a minute: We found smoking hot photos of Elsa before Real Housewives of Miami. She was human. A beautiful human lady!
2. She's a witch
Okay, so Elsa predicted that Andy Cohen of Bravo's Watch What Happens Live is incapable of loving another person after reading his aura (which we're assuming is hot pink, bedazzled, and slightly cross-eyed), but so what? After years of engaging in meticulous paranormal research (i.e. episodes of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and multiple screenings of The Craft) we know that just because you have the ability to read someone's essence and predict their future doesn't necessarily make you a witch, it makes you a psychic. Or a shaman. Or the owner of a time machine. Whatever it may be, we're not buying that Elsa's a witch because she looks nothing like Shannen Doherty, Alyssa Milano, or Rose McGowan. But, we're not going to take away the fact that there is something magical about Elsa (perhaps she's part shape-shifting unicorn? That makes a lot of sense to us).
3. She's a drunk
So what if she's gotten a DUI recently and that we're only three episodes in and she's already gotten drunk on camera? So what? That doesn't make Elsa a wino. In fact, in Charlie Sheen-logic, that makes her a WINNER. And most likely that's not booze she's getting tipsy on, it's tiger blood (laced with rum). Which is totally legal to drive on (aside from the rum). She can't help herself if her inner gnarly warlock busts loose after a few sips of tiger blood (...with rum). That's just what happens, duh! Sizzle! BYE!
4. Her lips are fake
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Uh, have you seen her daughter Marysol's lips? They're identical! Both mother and daughter share heavy, overly bloated puckers that look like they're slowly slipping off their faces in an attempt to escape. We're sorry, but that's got to be genetics. No licensed plastic surgeon would ever do that kind of butchery more than once. Right?
5. She looks good in most things
Sure, she'd look *okay* in a meat dress, a wet suit, a leather corset, a string bikini, a leotard and tutu, or in full body paint of the Cuban flag, but we think she looks MAGNIFICENT in muumuus. Long, silk, metallic muumuus should be the only thing to grace her soft, delicate, and liver spotted skin.