Irregardless of our broken English, poor syntax, and tik-tiki music, the Big Mango can be tremenda mierda sometimes.
From shitty drivers to Pitbull's overuse of the word "dale," there's so much shit to be embarrassed about.
Pero at the end of the day, Miami's better than Tampa, right?
We doubt that their weekend guide's as diverse as ours. And that whole Gulf of Mexico thing? Whack. It's all about the Atlantic, baby. No oil spills on this side, bitches.
Here are the 11 best things to do in Miami this weekend.
- Batuke Samba Funk: Anchored in Miami but rooted in drum circles, these cats are samba fusion samurais.
- Miami Gay and Lesbian Film Festival: Gay, straight, bi, or transgender, a good film is a good film. Check 'em out this weekend at the Colony.
- Go Dutch! Orange Bike-In: Cindo de Mayo? Boring. July 4? Bastille Day? Whack. Celebrate Holland, yo, with a bike ride and some Grolsch beer.
- Miami Beach Polo World Cup: Piss off some Occupiers and animal advocacy groups while rooting for your favorite polo team.
- Miami New Times' Brew at the Zoo: We're having a party, and you're invited. Catch is, it's going to cost you. But we've got Alien Ant Farm performing, so it's justified.
- Pepe Billete: Puppetry, Miami style.
- Microteatro por Dinero: Ever watched a show in a shipping container? It's your last chance.
- Afrobeta: We love these guys. Hope they stay in Miami for-ev-er.
- Rony Seikaly: It's only fitting that a former Miami Heat powerhouse is now a house DJ. Only in Miami.
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- Grand Prix of Miami: Gentleman, start your custom engines.
- "Erasey Page": Jillian Mayer, she rocks. Support the arts, yo.