Easter Sunday is almost upon us, and for plenty of people, that means stiff church pews, guilt-inducing sermons, and forced family time.
All that stuff gets old quick, even among the pious. And we at Cultist are, well, not so pious.
If you're like us -- i.e. you didn't know Easter was this weekend until your mom called to passive-aggressively ask you which church service you'd be attending -- you're probably looking for ways to spend this Sunday that are a little less traditional. And we've got you covered.
Check out these five ways to get your seven deadly sins on this Easter.
1. Embark on a booze cruise.
For $69 ($10 off if you book online), you can hitch an all-inclusive ride on the luxurious Biscayne Lady. The promo video above is all, "Come aboard our classy yacht," but let's be honest: They call it a booze cruise for a reason. While you're knocking 'em back, you can gawk at celeb homes and monster yachts while sailing the waters of Biscayne Bay and nosh on fruit, cheese, carved ham, salads, omelettes and pastries. But the most important part, clearly, is the unlimited Bloody Marys and mimosas from the open bar. Getting buzzed on a boat is pretty much the perfect way to spend any Sunday, but especially Easter Sunday.
2. Sunbathe in the buff.
We're all supposed to be ashamed of our bodies because God said so, or something, but whatever. The temps are rising and it's officially beach season -- and you don't even need a bikini to get your sun on. Avoid tan lines with a clothing-optional trip to Haulover Beach Park. Don your birthday suit and spend the afternoon with fellow Miamians in their Sunday least. For a $6 parking fee, you can let it all hang out. Just don't forget the sunblock in those areas that rarely see the sun.
3. Eat your heart out.
Yardbird Southern Table, the ultimate in gluttonous indulgence, is open for Easter brunch. Chow down on fried chicken and doughy waffles, sweet tea-brined ribs, buttery biscuits, and pumpkin beignets. Top off your caloric binge with a few of their famous bourbon concoctions. You'll leave five pounds heavier and a whole lot happier. Gluttony is such an innocuous sin, after all. (Note: We do not suggest following your meal with a trip to Haulover.)
4. Make a stripper's Easter dreams come true.
Hell, someone's gotta work those Sunday afternoon brunch shifts. Give the girls at Tootsie's a little company, and grab a greasy bite to boot. Bring some Easter candy for the eye candy, and don't forget your wad of ones. A meal and a show? Not a bad Easter outing.
5. Forget hiding them -- drink your Easter eggs this year.
Wet Willie's, South Beach's beacon of frozen debauchery, features an extra special Easter surprise. Now through that special Sunday only, order their Easter Egg concoction and it comes complete with Peep perched on top. This especially strong combo includes Sex on the Beach, Attitude Improvement and Shock Treatment. Get liquored up while that cute little marshmallow friend stares back at you. Then, bite his head off.
So, enjoy your Easter, sinners. There's plenty of time for repentance later.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.