Sure, things might come together for the Miami Dolphins this year. Ryan Tannehill could quickly develop into a stud. Our offense may surprise. Joe Philbin might reveal himself as a true coaching genius in his first season. The team might make the playoffs. You might win the lottery. The polar ice caps could re-freeze. The unemployment rate might drop 4 points in a month.
More than likely, though, this is going to be a long, long season of "rebuilding" and what not. In case that's the scenario, Riptide has your 2012 season drinking game to help you drink the pain away.
Anytime the weak O-Line lets Tannehill get sacked: Take a shot.
Anytime Tannehill throws a perfectly fine pass only to have it bungled by a receiver: Shot.
Anytime Tannehill screws up on his own and someone in your group mutters something about Andrew Luck or Peyton Manning: Two shots.
If Tannehill's wife appears on screen: Swig your beer all smooth like, catch a glimpse of your reflection, realize you'll never have a shot, and finish that beer.
Anytime a player the Fins traded away or could have signed makes a big play against the team: Shot!
If Jeff Ireland or Stephen Ross appear on screen: Take a shot and spit it out on the screen. Pretend those fuckers' eyes are stinging and then lick off their alcohol soaked tears.
If Joe Philbin throws a tantrum on the sidelines: Um, well, that probably won't happen, and if it does well... shot. Someone has seriously fucked up.
If Matt Moore ends up getting a start: Just chill out with a smooth beer, it really could be theoretically worse. At least by Dolphins standards.
If Pat Devlin ends up getting a start: Soak your cable box in booze. Something has gone horribly wrong. No one wants to watch that.
When Dan Carpenter kicks a field goal: Fill a shot glass with (cheap) booze, and for old time's sake give a Sporano-style fist pump. Drink whatever is left in the glass.
If the defense manages to keep the team in the game only to watch the offense completely melt down: So many, many shots.
Anytime an announcer mentions Dan Marino or the '72 team: Take a swig and poor some out in memory of the proud franchise this used to be.
If Lamar Miller scores a TD: Drink a six pack of Miller.
If Lamar Miller turns out to be a bust: Smash a six pack of Miller with a baseball bat, drink two six packs of Bud, and blame the coaches.
If Reggie Bush scores a TD: Do not drink Busch beer. It's not even the same spelling. That swill is nasty anyway.
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Before playing the Patriots: Drink half a handle, and continue swigging as needed throughout the game.
Before playing the Jets: Go easy. They could suck really bad, too! You might actually want to be sober enough to remember this.