The Five Most Ridiculous Internet Signs About Where LeBron James Is Heading
All hell has broken loose, and everyone is a suspect. Everything is a sign. Everyone knows; nobody knows. Yesterday was one of the most ridiculous days in the history of the internet, as Heat fans and Cavs fans sat around their Twitter feeds all day waiting for something, anything, to make or break them.
Emotions swung minute to minute based on a single tweet from someone in the media who most likely knows just as much as any of us, yet we still cling to its every character because LeBron James. Here are the five most absurd -- yet TRUE? -- signs the internet has turned up that surely will tell us where LBJ is heading.
1. OMG LeBron is moving -- his cars, as usual, this time of year.
The image of moving trucks in front of LeBron's house shook Heat fans to the core. It was over; this is our Baltimore Colts. Nope. Turns out LeBron does this every time he plans on being in Ohio for an extended period of the off-season. Myth BUSTED! Fans were calling not only the moving company but also the marble company working on a different house on the street. HEY, MARBLE COMPANY, GIMME THE DEETS.
2. Mike Miller is telling us he's joining LeBron in Cleveland!
Traitor! Carpetbagger! How dare you, Michael -- we trusted you! Then cooler heads -- er, facts -- prevailed. Soon after this post, report came out that Miller is close to a deal with the Denver Nuggets, which in turn caused the Memphis Grizzlies to up their offer. The Cavaliers had to trade a third of their bench to get enough money liquid to have a shot at LeBron, so it's incredibly doubtful they would be able to get into the Mike Miller sweepstakes.
3. Nerds cracked the code! The answers are in the colors!
This seems bad, but I'm too stupid to verify it's authenticity. Apparently "pfffffffffffffffff123gaaaa456" means "Cavs colors" in hex-code-LeBron-site-Easter-egg talk, and this code is on some secret page scheduled to go live at some point in life but has yet to happen. Listen, I'm not educated enough on site-hacking to tell you what this means, but what I can tell you is whoever invented the internet made this shit way too complicated and should have just made it so that when I type "red," I get red. Make it happen, Al Gore.
Cleveland fans are going insane right now...I've got about 50 tweets..."330" is our area code...announcement coming at 330! Some WWE stuff.— NBA Legion (@MySportsLegion) July 10, 2014
4. LeBron is sending Cleveland secret codes!
Everyone thought reports of a 3:30 p.m. announcement were legit. Then Cleveland went, "HEY, THAT'S OUR AREA CODE! FOR6IVENESS!" Then 3:31 p.m. came and nothing happened, but their area code was still 330. WHAT DOES IT MEAN!? Heat fans even got in on the action when some were reporting it could be as early as 3 p.m., pointing to the fact that 305 is OUR area code. Holy shit, internet, sit your ass down!
Folks in Bath feel strongly that LBJ will sign w/ CLE. LBJ's camp contacted cops hour ago to alert them of tonight's annoucement. #kingjames— PHIL TREXLER-ABJ (@PhilTrexler) July 10, 2014
5. LeBron spoke to us in codes! TO HIS CRIB!
When the people of Cleveland put the "330 Illuminati" codes together, they were excited. Then the supersmart media of Cleveland announced the police were heading to LeBron's house, so everyone in Cleveland said, "GREAT IDEA!" and went to LeBron's house. Problem was, he had canceled his trip to Ohio, so what ended up happening is a thousand people stared at a really nice security gate until it got dark and they went home. If LeBron DID plan on making the announcement, Cleveland fans scared him off of his set time. This is why you can't have nice things, Cleveland. Stop buying LeBron gun racks!
So in the end, the wait continues, and the clue-sniffing internet gets back to work. Today I got an email from the Heat titled "Make a Splash This Summer," offering me a Heat surfboard or something, but to me that was a subliminal message letting me know what was to come: MELO TO MIAMI!
We are all dead inside. GO HEAT!
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.