Welcome to SoBe.
A strange and beautiful seaside oasis where it's considered perfectly normal to spend one's entire life wandering barefoot and half-naked through the streets and across the sands in pursuit of fallen coconuts and horny tourists.
Other "normal" South Beach behavior: Auditioning for Internet porn on a street corner, wearing $900 sunglasses at night, and dropping several C-notes for a G-rated lapdance in the VIP section.
Live the dream with this week's six best club parties on South Beach.
Marc Houle. With Ms. Mada and Thunderpony. Presented by LINK and Miami Rebels. Friday, November 9, 10 p.m., Treehouse, 323 23rd St., Miami Beach; 305-614-4478; treehousemiami.com. Tickets cost $10 to $15 plus fees via residentadvisor.net. Ages 21 and up. CANCELED
Afrojack's Jacked Tour. With Quintino, Shermanology, and Bobby Burns. Friday, November 9, 10 p.m., 11 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $65 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Afrojack loves lots of stuff. "I love Playstation! I love old Disney movies! I love stupid, weird role-playing games!" And Miami too! That's why he just can't stay away. Go get Jacked at Mansion for the third time in five months.
R3hab. With Mednas. Saturday, November 10, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $75 to $125 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. On the topic of totally out-of-control love affairs, this Dutch DJ isn't shy about his infatuation with the Fontainebleau's fanciest party spot. "LIV is one of the best clubs in the world! Always madness!" She loves you too, R3hab.
Jeremy Olander. Saturday, November 10, 11 p.m., Wall Lounge, 2201 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-938-3131; wallmiami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $125 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Fact: Pryda label signee Jeremy Olander is "a 24-year-old [who's] remarkably consistent in an inconsistent world." After all, when you're boss is notoriously finicky Swedish DJ-producer Eric Prydz, you gotta be on your game ... All the beat-freaking time.
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Lapdance Tuesdays. Tuesday, November 13, 11 p.m., Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. WTF are you gonna do this Tuesday on South Beach? Text the word LAPDANCE to 38714 for an hour's worth of complimentary rosé Champagne.
Clockwork. With Ruen and Jessica Who. As part of Dirty Hairy. Wednesday, November 14, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $30 to $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. "One month left till end of the world," Clockwork asks via Twitter. "What do u wanna do till then?" Correct answer: Party on SoBe. Duh.