Before Al Gore gave birth to the Internet, sex-crazed men frantically flipped through pages upon pages of Sears catalogs, lingerie ads, or Better Homes and Gardens in hopes of finding just the right images so they could spank the monkey, flog the dolphin, or shake the South Pole.
Then God invented Music Television! Sure, MTV might not seem like much now. But after parents and wives went to bed, music videos were turned on, trousers were dropped, and the Jergens came out. The Internet most definitely killed the video star, and the video star was the blonde model with the teased hair, thin waist, and fake breasts. She's working for Bang Bros now.
So here's to worn-out pause buttons and crusty gym socks, as we look back at five very masturbatory music videos from the '80s and '90s.
5. Wreckx-N-Effect's "Rump Shaker"
Thanks to "Rump Shaker," an entire generation of kids developed a wind instrument fetish. Wreckx-N-Effect put together a music video that served no other purpose than showing half-naked women on the beach, and dudes driving boats and using camcorders in a very, very creepy way. Unfortunately, they also broke the cardinal rule of sexy video-making and featured themselves way, way, way too much, which probably led to some very uncomfortable... finishings.
4. Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again"
I felt bad leaving a hair metal song off the list. And because YouTube won't let Mötley Crüe's "Girls, Girls, Girls" embed, the selection fell to Tawny Kitaen crawling all over a Jaguar. A side benefit of spanking it to glam bands is that even if the video flashed over to the band, there might be just enough long, beautiful hair to keep it totally sexy.
3. Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Put Em on the Glass"
After proclaiming his love for big butts, Sir Mix-a-Lot followed up his 1992 megahit, "Baby Got Back," with this love song for a woman's sexy front parts. This video is so shameless that my 14-year-old self spent hours waiting for it to pop onto the Box so I could squeeze out a quick one. Everything in this video is perfect -- except at the 1:35 mark, when Sir Mix-a-Lot seductively sticks his finger in his mouth as if the sexiest part of the video is him.
2. 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny"
I'd have to revoke my Miami passport if I left 2 Live Crew off this list. These guys literally took the right to be duuurty to the Supreme Court and won. The best part of the "Me So Horny" video is the slow clothing removal of the girls singing the chorus. I'd love to think the success of this video funded 15 UM football players. Or at least got FSU's Charlie Ward knocked out of a half.
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1. Chris Issac's "Wicked Game"
A woman hasn't been less interested in having sex with a guy since the time I lost my virginity. For every bit of gratuitous, over-the-top raunch of the previous videos, "Wicked Game" shows nothing can match the sexiness of a momentary shot of Helena Christensen's side boob.